Promise me, Dean
by misharize-me
Summary: Dean Winchester is about to flunk out of college. But, when he's forced to do his biology final project with the college nerd, Cas, who Dean despises greatly, and who Dean has been tormenting since freshman year. But since he's failing, Dean is willing to do ANYTHING to get a good grade to graduate...but Dean didn't know Castiel Novak would turn out way different than he expected.
1. Chapter 1

**I plan on this getting pretty graphic so can't say I didn't warn ya. And also, this story escalates into a major chick flick... so if you don't like those kind of things then this story may not interest you. (Cas/Dean -AU-smut)**

* * *

><p>Cas sat soundlessly in the classroom. He tapped his pencil on the desk, which synced perfectly with the ticking of the clock. His eyes peered up to check the time: <em>11:07 PM.<em>

Students usually weren't allowed in the classrooms this late without a professor, but Cas was one of the most industrious students at his university, so his professors let him stay after hours to get in extra studying.

That was basically his life. Studying. Getting good grades. Pleasing nobody but himself.

Cas suddenly felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He clicked back to Earth and reached in his pocket. The text was from his best friend, Gabe.

**Cassie-come to Balthazar dorm, we're gonna watch a movie. Its not a party without you!**

Cas read it and smiled slightly before replying.

**cant...studying.**

Gabe replied almost instantly.

**alright, guess it'll have to be a party without you then.**

Cas shut his phone and ran his fingers though his hair.

Gabe and Balthazar were pretty much the only social life Cas had. Besides them, he kept to himself as best as he could, except when he was assailed by the illustrious group of guys who made fun of him almost everyday because, well, he wasn't exactly such a _chick magnet_... or well, magnetized to _chicks, _anyway.

Cas didn't show it, but everyone knew.

He found it better to study after school hours to keep from being harassed by them.

Cas dropped his pencil and ran his fingers through his hair. He checked the clock again, _11:12._ He scanned his materials over before picking up his pencil to resume his studies.

Cas began reading when he was interrupted by a yell. It was coming from behind him in the courtyard.

He sat up in his chair to peek over the window. He saw two figures, not more than 100 feet away from his classroom. Faint shouting came from one of them, almost like a soft weeping yell. He saw the figures pace back and forth for a while, flailing their arms around at eachother.

Then, one of them started rushing closer to Cas' classroom. The shouting became more audible, just enough for Cas to make out what they were saying.

"Dean, I said I was sorry!"

"Lisa that's complete bullshit. You knew exactly what you were doing and you didn't think for a moment that I would find out?"

"Dean just...stop for a second! Please Dean...just let me explain!"

Cas froze... _Dean?_

_Oh god...not Dean Winchester..please not Dean Winchester..._

Dean was the alpha of the pack of wolves that harassed Cas constantly because cooing on chicks wasn't exactly his cup of tea. It was the constant name calling, harassment, and idiocy that you would expect from middle school children. Cas had been putting up with it for months. He denied to himself that it affected him, but deep down he knew that it took a little piece of him each time.

Cas took a hard swallow and tuned his ears back into the howls coming from outside. He stretched his neck farther up to get a better glimpse of the black silhouettes moving in the courtyard.

"Lisa, this is over. I'm fucking done with you."

"Dean! Stop! I said I was sorry! Please..."

"Sorry?!"

Cas' breathing picked up as the voices got louder.

"You're sorry?! Well boo-hoo I'm sorry your feelings are hurt princess!"

"I-I-It was a mistake,"

"Cheating isn't a mistake Lisa. It's a choice."

Cas jumped as he heard the buildings door slam and heavy footsteps rushing from down the hallway.

_No, no, no...not Dean...anyone but Dean, _Cas thought cringing in his chair.

Cas didn't want to make himself seem that he was eavesdropping, so he picked up his pencil and began scribbling over his notebook.

Soon enough, the door plowed open.

Cas swallowed hard.

"Oh look who it is," A deep voice said, "Now get out."

Cas looked up, and sure enough, met the meadow green eyes of Dean Winchester.

Cas sat there, knowing that he should get up and leave, but as stupid as he is, he didn't.

"There are other classrooms open you know."

"Excuse me? Get the fuck out you fucking fairy," Dean started walking slowly toward him. Weaving through desks smoothly.

Cas gripped his pencil tight but remained seated. He felt his stomach drop as soon as Dean leaned over to grab the collar of his shirt and lift him off his chair, "Don't make me ask you again, faggot. "

"O-Okay." Cas managed to utter out. He could feel Dean's hot breath on his neck.

Dean released his grip, and Cas was flung back into his seat, almost tipping the chair backward. He fumbled with his books until he had them in his hands, never breaking eye contact with Dean the whole time.

He brushed Dean's shoulder as he ran out. Cas swung the door behind him but it didn't close all the way. He stood outside the classroom door, leaning against the wall next to the door. He listened.

"Stupid...stupid, stupid, stupid!" He heard Dean's voice grow and then the sudden clatter of books being thrown against the wall. This made Cas jump. He had always seen Dean mad, but never emotional like this.

Cas shook his head, "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered under his breath as he set down his books and slowly stepped back into the classroom.

Cas' entrance made Dean's eyes shoot up out of his hands. He was sitting down, slumped over a desk, his face red with anger. Dean ran his hands over his face. Cas could tell he was embarrassed.

"What the fuck? I thought I told you to fuck off you queer. Get out!" Dean said standing up. Even at times like this, Dean had to make himself look tough.

"I heard what happened, and I'm sorry that you're crying and upse-" Cas begun to say but was soon cut off by a load roar.

"You were eavesdropping? Seriously? And I _DO NOT, _repeat _DO NOT _cry. Ever. I'm not a fucking pussy."

"Oh...well look, I know it's not my place, but I know how you feel and...and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"How the hell would you know how I feel? I'm not gay." Deans face started to turn redder. Cas hoped it wasn't because of anger.

"So? Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I can't experience bad break-ups?" Cas started to step closer. The closer Cas got to Dean, the more he saw Dean tense his knuckles. Cas started to regret his decision. He knew he was going to get punched.

But for some reason, his legs kept moving him forward towards Dean.

"Just get out. Are you asking me to punch you in the face? Huh?"

Cas continued to stop closer, "Then go ahead and punch me. I'm just trying to help."

"I don't need your help, you fucking pillow biter. What I need is for you to fucking leave me alone."

At this point, Cas was only a foot away from Dean. He looked at Dean and clenched his eyebrows. Deans eyes were red. Cas could tell he was holding back tears. Deans rage overpowered the sadness. Took over his body like a virus.

"Why do you do that?" Cas asked tilting his head a little.

Dean flinched his eyebrows a little at the question, "Do what?"

"Push away people that try to help you?"

Dean paused. He squinted his eyes and glared at Cas. As much as Dean didn't want to admit it, Cas was right. The truth was, it's not that he didn't _need _it, it's that he didn't _want _help. Besides Deans brother Sam, and his Uncle Bobby, Dean was kind'ave on his own.

He scanned his eyes over Cas. And for a second, he had thought he felt the rage leave his body. He had felt calmer, listening to the deep hoarse tone in Cas' voice.

But the realization of the situation hit, and it came back even worse now.

"Look Cas, I don't need your gay-therapist talk or whatever shit you're trying to do here okay? Now leave. And I don't wanna have to ask again. Got it?" Dean said looking straight at Cas. There was a loud silence before Cas responded solemnly.

"Got it," Cas said backing away. He made it to the door when he turned around again. Dean was still staring at him, "I'm still sorry about Lisa," Cas said then turning to leave.

* * *

><p>The next morning Cas walked into Biology feeling a little out of it. Biology wasn't the most ideal class to have first thing because of course, Dean was in it. He quickly scanned the room.<p>

No Dean.

Cas found a seat right in front of the professor.

"Good Morning Castiel," Professor Crowley said from his desk, looking over his glasses.

"Morning Professor," Cas mumbled back turning around again to look at the door. A small sigh of relief waved over him as Mr. Crowley began class, and Dean was nowhere in sight.

"Alright class, we'll be starting a project today-" Professor Crowley was cut off when the door burst open.

"Sorry I'm late. Alarm didn't go off."

Cas didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

"Or maybe you didn't even set your alarm at all. Have a seat, Mr. Winchester." Professor Crowley said, eyeing him until he sat down next to his friends, "I'm going to have you work in groups. Now even though this is a group project, I still want everyone doing the same amount of work. And don't think I won't be able to tell if you don't do any. I've assigned your group members already. So come up and look at the list so you can get working."

Cas hated group projects, mainly because he ended up doing all the work anyway, despite what teachers asked. He waited until most people had gone up to check their groups. He didn't see Dean go to check. As soon as he stood up, Professor Crowley came up to his row.

"Castiel," He muttered clearing his throat, "I've had to only assign you one person to do the project with. There was an uneven amount of people and I figured that you may be able to teach this kid a thing or two about studying diligently. Or, even studying at all, actually."

Cas chuckled, "Alright that's fine. Who am I working with?" Professor Crowley scanned the list of people. He made a _tisk_ noise as he read down the list.

"Uh- let's see...oh yes, ah, Dean Winchester."

It took a second for Cas to adjust to the situation, "Wait what?"

The Professor raised his eyebrows in question, "Is there a problem?"

Cas paused again, longer this time, "Uh, no. Dean's fine." Professor Crowley gave a slightly concerned nod and then looked up to find Dean. Once he made eye contact, he motioned for Dean to come sit with Cas. Cas just stared straight in front of him. Why did he feel so awkward. He knew Dean wouldn't care.

Cas felt someone slide behind the back of his chair and sit down next to him. Cas still stared forward. He felt Dean get closer to him.

"I hope you know you're doing all the work, right?" Dean whispered in his ear. He felt Deans breath on his neck again.

"No," Cas blurted out unintentionally, "I'm not. So either you help me, or I'm not doing the project at all and we both fail." Cas broke his gaze to stare into Deans eyes. Deans face was not happy, not happy at all. Dean turned his head to look at the Professor, who had his back turned helping another group. In no time, Dean grabbed Cas' thumb and yanked it back. Not enough to break it, but enough for it to hurt like hell.

"Listen to me you little prick," Dean said tightening his grip on Cas' hand. Cas stiffened in his seat as he held back a soft yell, "You're doing this shit project whether you like it or not. I don't take orders from anybody, especially you. For your own sake, don't make this harder than it needs to be, alright?"

Cas looked up at Dean. He stared at him for a minute.

Green met blue.

Dean scoffed and broke his grip. Cas suddenly backed away and stared at the floor, feeling slightly embarrassed.

He had almost forgot that Dean was holding his thumb back.

When the Professor dismissed class, Dean shot up like a firework to leave. He started walking up the lecture hall steps when someone called his name.

"Dean," the Professor shouted from his desk, "Can we talk for a second?"

Dean licked his lips as he looked back at the door to make eye contact with Cas. Dean stared at him until he shut the door and walked out.

Dean stood in front of his professors desk, "Yeah?"

"Do you think I'm an idiot, Dean?" he asked solemnly removing his glasses and placing them carefully on the desk, "The reason I paired you with Cas was so that you would actually do work. I can tell if he's the only one that did it. And, you do realize that you're failing this class right? It's the end of the year. And if you don't get your grade up in this class, there's going to be a serious issue. Extremely serious...So, I suggest you actually work with Cas, don't blow this off."

Dean didn't say anything at first. He stood there and fiddled with the pen in his hand, "Uhm, okay. Got it. Thanks Professor," He said backing away and out the door.

"Fuck!" He yelled to himself. He knew that he wouldn't be able to do this project. Or, any project for that matter. He stopped by a nearby tree off the pathway and leaned against it, " I _need _this grade..."

_I need it._

* * *

><p>It was late at night when Cas heard a knock on his dorm room. Cas was on his bed with the computer in his lap. He figured it must be Gabe or Balthazar. When he opened the door, he was far from right.<p>

"Dean?"

"Can I come in?" Dean asked timidly. He turned around to scan the hallway to make sure no one was looking.

"Why?" Cas asked, thinking that this was now the time he was going to get punished for the night with Lisa, and talking back at him today in class.

"I wan't to work on the project."

Cas raised his eyebrows in shock, "It's-It's twelve o'clock at night?"

"So?"

"Uhm, I mean I guess," Cas slowly started opening the door when Dean pushed it completely open and ran inside, "What makes you so interested in this all of a sudden?"

"Can I-uh- not like school work?" Dean chuckled taking off his jacket. Cas gave him a look. A look that Dean couldn't decode.

"Uh, yeah sure whatever. I have an extra textbook under my bed. You focus on chapter 6 and ill do 7 and 8." Cas remarked as he reached for the extra textbook. Dean sat on the edge of Cas' bed and Cas sat completely on the other side. A full hour passed without talking, no noise at all, just a loud silence and the constant flipping of pages.

Dean broke the silence, "Can you explain this section to me I don't understand it," Dean said glaring up at Cas and running his fingers over the page. Cas put his book beside him and scooched close next to Dean. A little too close. Cas leaned in and started explaining. After a few minutes, Cas looked up at Dean and Dean nodded his head, "Thanks,"

"Hey, Dean?" Cas asked suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"Can you promise me you're going to help me finish this project?"

Dean scoffed, "Psh, I don't make promises."

"Why?"

"'Cause I can never keep 'em."

Cas sat up and breathed, "Oh," he mumbled under his breath. A few moments passed and Cas swallowed, "Dean, can I ask you something?"

"What?" He said looking up into Cas' blue eyes. Dean paused as he realized how blue Cas' eyes really were.

"I'm not trying to sound nosy or anything, but..." Cas swallowed again and took a breath, "What happened with you and Lisa?"

The question caught Dean off guard. He closed the book and stood up. "Why the fuck would you ask me that? I'm here because of a project that we need to do. I'm not here for a fucking gay intervention, Cas." Dean yelled clenching his jaw.

He looked down at Cas and saw the panic in Cas' eyes.

_Don't scare the kid, Dean. You need this grade. _Dean thought as he stared willingly at Cas.

He shut his eyes and breathed slowly, "I caught her cheating on me. Walked right in on it," Dean sat down next to Cas again, closer this time, "And well, I ran out into the courtyard and she followed and blah blah blah. And-ah-I guess that's where you came in," Dean exhaled and Cas turned to look at him.

Cas didn't really know what to say. Besides the other night, he had never really seen Dean emotional, so he didn't know whether to sit there and nod his head or actually say something back.

Cas felt different, seeing Dean like this. He didn't know what was more surprising, Dean doing actual work, or Dean talking to him like an actual human being. It was like trying to adapt to an unknown habitat.

Cas didn't know what he was doing, it may have just been a spur of the moment, but Cas placed his hand on Deans shoulder.

Dean looked to Cas with a fazed glare. Moments that felt like hours passed, before Dean licked his lips and flinched.

"Look, I uh- gotta go," Dean said sneaking out from under Cas' hand.

Cas retreated his hand and rubbed it against his knee.

Dean grabbed his jacket and hurriedly ran out of the room. When he was at the door, he turned once more back at Cas who was still sitting on the bed.

He hesitated for a moment, before shutting the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Cas walked down campus with his eyes glued to his phone. He was completely and utterly unsure about last night. The thought hadn't left his mind all day.

_Were Dean and him friends now? Was Dean still going to harass him outside of class?_

His stare into the phone broke when a shoulder collided with his own, knocking the phone right out of his hand. It clashed onto the pavement, and the screen cracked. He heard laughter come from behind him before turning to look. Dean was smiling over his shoulder and his posse cooed him on.

"Watch where you're going faggot," Dean said, ignoring the desolation in Cas' eyes. It didn't affect him. He started walking away, his posse not far behind.

Cas leaned over and picked up his phone. He brushed the screen and little pieces of glass flew off the edges.

_Well that answers those questions..._Cas pondered.

"Asshole," Cas whispered a little too loud. Dean stopped in his tracks. He turned around and tilted his head at Cas.

"What did you say?" He said indignantly, clenching his eyebrows as he took a few steps closer to Cas. Cas just looked at him for a moment, thinking about last night. Cas knew Dean wasn't as tough as he thought before. So he didn't run away this time.

Cas moved closer to Dean, "I said you're an asshole."

Dean's friends chuckled and Dean looked back at them in embarrassmet.

"Show 'em who's boss, Dean!" One of them shouted at them.

Dean looked him up and down before tightening his fist.

When Cas saw Dean clench his knuckles, he immediately regretted his decision.

He felt Deans hand collide with his hip and the force knocked him on his side. Dean kneeled to the ground next to him and leaned in next to Cas' ear, "Next time, it's your face," Dean said quietly before standing up and finally leaving. Cas held his hip in pain for a minute or two.

He didn't mind the brief stares he got from people as they passed by and saw Cas on the ground.

Cas stood up, ignoring the pain that invaded his hip.

Paying full attention to the pain he was feeling inside.

* * *

><p>Cas layed on his bed, sprawled out and staring blank at the ceiling. His fingers traced over the spot that Dean hit.<p>

He couldn't get the look of anger in Deans eyes out of his mind. He couldn't figure out why it had hurt _him _so much. Not his body, but _he, himself. _Dean had been harassing him since his freshman year in college. Now, as a senior, he figured he would've been over it by now.

His trance broke when Cas heard a knock on his door. He stood up out of his desk and lazily went to open it.

His eyes widened in confusion.

"Dean?" Cas said squinting. He was so shocked he could barely move.

_Has he come to...apologize?_ Cas wondered, inadvertently getting his hopes up.

"Alright, project time!" Dean said shoving Cas aside and rubbing his hands together before pulling the extra textbook out from under Cas' bed.

Cas stood at the doorway, his mouth slightly parted open. A little disappointed that Dean hadn't come to express his sympathy.

"You're kidding me, right?" Cas said, moving his lips into a thin line.

"What?" Dean said shrugging, then rolling his eyes, "Oh, c'mon Cas, you can't _still_ be mad about that? I didn't even hit you that hard you pussy."

Cas just stared at Dean displeasingly before lifting up his shirt to reveal a bruise Dean had left on his side.

Cas raised his eyebrows, "Yeah. Definitely not _that_ hard."

Dean swallowed. He hadn't realized he hit _that _hard. He forced himself to shake it off.

"Stop being a baby. Let's get to work." Dean scoffed at him.

"Only if you promise to stop with the harassment!" Cas yelled at him, unable to control his tone. Since his first encounter with Dean, things with him have felt, calmer. He knew without his asshole friends with him, he had no reason to impress anyone by beating anyone up or proving his dominion.

Dean exchanged him an annoyed glare, "I told you, I **don't** make promises. And if I do, I don't keep 'em. So stop asking, okay?" Dean spat at him, allowing himself to walk over to Cas' bed and reach underneath to grab the textbooks.

Cas embarrassingly cleared his throat.

He grabbed the textbook from Dean, and they both resumed their places on the bed.

They worked diligently for about a half hour.

Cas constantly looked up to Dean every now and then. He never knew why, but sometimes he just liked to...look at him.

Cas started to bite the inside of his cheek.

_I'm not attracted to him, _Cas reminded himself.

Cas restrained from staring at him for a while until Cas heard a strange noise. He turned over to Dean.

Dean had his face buried in his hands and his breathing was scratchy and he was sniffling.

"Dean?" Cas said, ducking his head to try and get a better look at him. Dean lifted his head up and stood. Cas saw that he wasn't crying, his face was just very very red and flushed again, "Whats the matter?" Cas asked as he watched Dean put on his jacket.

"Look, I-uh, need to go,"

Cas stood up. He rushed to the door before Dean had a chance to walk out. He stood in the doorway and blocked it, "Dean, tell me what's wrong."

"Stop! What do you not understand about no, Cas? I don't need your fucking help!" Dean yelled trying to push Cas away from the door.

Cas didn't know what compelled him, but Dean pissed him off in more ways than one and he lost it, "Dean would you shut the fuck up for a second?! Why don't you let anyone help you?! You push away everyone who tries to help and you end up having nobody. You think those guys are your friends, Dean? Huh? Well hate to break it to you, but they're not! They like you because you're _tough_," Cas put emphasis on the word 'tough' and made quotations with his hands, "If you actually just fucking talked to someone for a change, maybe you wouldn't be so angry all the time!" Cas yelled, wavering for a moment before starting to breathe again.

Dean stood staring at him, eyes wide. Dean turned around and sat on the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled.

"Because, "Dean said inhaling and exhaling again, "I got a lot going on right now. Some crazy decisions to make and it's stressing me out," Dean said finally looking up at Cas still in the doorway. Cas moved to sit on the bed next to him, "I don't know, its probably just Lisa pissing me off."

"Dean," Cas said turning to look at him, "There are plenty of girls out there that I _know _would be dying to be with you. "

Dean glared at him with a smug look. Cas realized how he had made what he said sound immodest. But, what Dean did next took Cas aback. Dean hugged him. It took so long for Cas to process the situation that Cas didn't have time to hug back, he just sat there for a few moments.

Cas was beyond shocked. Dean's tight grip on him was almost, gentle.

When Dean realized Cas wasn't hugging back, he let go and stood up.

Dean embarrassingly smiled at him, "Uh, thank you, Cas." He said, before leaving and giving him one final stare before shutting the door behind him.

Cas sat in bed, staring at the door for a while.

He flashed a small grin before forcing himself to sleep.

* * *

><p>Cas sat in Biology the next morning, very anxious. He fiddled with his pencil.<p>

He shut his eyes when he felt someone brush against the back of his chair and sit in the seat next to him.

"So what have you done so far?" Dean said leaning back in his chair. Deans friends sat in the row behind him and gave Dean a pat on the back when they sat down.

Cas could basically smell the rattled vibes illuminating from them both, "We only have research. You should probably come over tonight again so we can start the presentation part."

Deans friends' eyes beamed up. Dean gave Cas a seething look.

"What?" Dean scoffed as he looked up at his friends, then back to Cas, "I'm not going over your fucking dorm. It's probably covered in Justin Bieber and fairy posters or some shit. God knows what's in there." Dean said laughing, his friends immediately chuckled after.

Cas understood. He didn't need more of a hint to understand that Dean's friends had no idea about him and Deans _relationship_.

Cas pursed his lips. _Stay calm, _he thought, _ just stay calm._

After class, Cas started to get his things together when something hit him over the head. He looked up to see Dean over him carrying a large textbook. He was smiling.

"Oops, my bad." Dean said as he left the classroom.

Cas rubbed his throbbing head.

One of Dean's friends started coughing, "Faggot," He said in between coughs. The rest of them laughed, including Dean.

They all patted Dean on the back as the exited the room. Cas turned around to catch Dean's eyes at the last moment before he was gone.

Dean shut the door behind him and looked down, _Fuck..._he thought to himself, _he's never going to do that project now. I need to come up with something...and fast. _

* * *

><p>It was one o'clock in the morning when Cas heard a tapping on his door. He already knew who it was. He got out of bed and turned the lights on before rubbing his eyes and opening the door.<p>

"Dean. I was sleeping." Cas said looking up at him. Dean seemed a little out of it.

"Can I, uh, come in?"

"No. Have a goodnight, Dean." Cas spat at him as he started to close the door, but Dean held his hand out and pushed the door open.

Dean walked by Cas and Cas got a whiff of alcohol on him, "Dean? Are you drunk?"

"Eh, maybe a little." Dean said removing his jacket and throwing it on the ground. He stumbled toward Cas.

Cas was almost a little panicked. He reached for the door handle but was stopped by Dean as Dean grabbed Cas' wrist. Cas' breathing picked up as Dean's face got closer to his.

Dean let go of Cas' hand and placed it on Cas' hip where he punched it. Dean lifted up Cas' shirt to get a better look at the bruise, "I'm sorry about punching you the other day," Dean said running his fingertips over the bruise. Dean was so close to Cas face he could smell the mix of cheap cologne and alcohol. His eyes were wilting, but greatly inviting.

Cas was disoriented, his hand gripped Deans shoulder holding him back.

Dean suddenly clutched Cas' back and pulled him in closer before whispering, "I'm sorry for everything," He said. Cas was completely lost. More than lost. So confused that he didn't feel in control of his body.

What Dean did next had Cas so bewildered that he stopped breathing.

Dean clenched onto Cas' back and pulled him close as he crushed his lips against Cas'. He could feel Dean's hands run up along his back and cup his face forcing them closer.

Cas forced himself to try and attempt to pull away. He was _not _going to let the only guy who had made him feel self conscious for years make him lose respect for himself in just 2 minutes.

It was the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

Deans strong but incredibly lenient hands ran across his chest and down to his abdomen and around to the small of his back. His fingers dragged across his skin under his shirt, causing Cas to cringe.

He could barely control himself, let alone his growing erection in his pants.

Cas was about to give in, his willpower had basically vanished completely.

When Dean felt Cas putting no effort in, he released Cas and took a step back.

"Alright..uh...maybe I should go..." Dean said swallowing hard and picking up his jacket as he headed towards the door. As he grabbed the doorknob, Cas grabbed his hand.

_I'm going to regret this..._Cas thought.

"You're not going anywhere," Cas said pushing Dean up against the wall and pressing his lips to his again.

Dean grabbed Cas' backside and thrusted Cas into his thighs, rolling his hips gently against Cas. Dean clawed at Cas' skin, running his nails across the back of his neck and shoulders, then entwining his hands in Cas' dark hair.

Cas gasped as he felt Dean run his hand down his chest and over his hard member in his sweatpants. Cas clutched the back of Deans neck when Dean started to move his hand up and down over Cas' pants. Cas grew almost instantly hard at Dean's touch. Cas' hands attacked Dean like he couldn't get enough of the skin underneath his fingers.

Dean reached inside Cas' pants and Cas parted from Dean and moaned against his lips. Dean started to move his hand and Cas grabbed the collar of Deans shirt to pull him in closer.

Dean's fingers around Cas' cock was cold and clamy. Cas' fingers were wrapped around the back of Dean's neck, which was also pretty cold and clamy. Something about it though, something about Dean, had made Cas so crazy that he couldn't help pushing himself so close to Dean that there was not even an inch of space between them.

He had never been more stimulated in his life. Every inch of his body felt like it was on fire, burning until Dean's touch could extinguish it.

"Dean," Cas groaned, "Harder,"

Dean smiled against Cas' lips before wiggling his pants down a little to have more room. He started moving his hand up and down, starting slow but getting faster and faster. Dean felt Cas moaning against his lips and he forced his tongue into Cas' mouth.

Dean tongue had a slight flavour of whiskey. But Cas loved it all the more. Having Dean's tongue invade his mouth was like letting a hungry lion out of its cage for the first time. Cas was angry that Dean couldn't get any closer to him.

Deans other hand moved to grip the back of Cas' hair, pulling it down so Dean had access to Cas' neck.

Dean trailed small kisses from his lips to his chin before devouring his neck. Dean sucked hard on the prickly skin coating Cas' neck. Dean ran his teeth along Cas' neck until his teeth met Cas' bottom lip. He bit it softly before invading his mouth again. Cas grasped onto Deans back as he felt himself get closer to his climax.

"Oh fuck, Dean," Cas groaned. This only made Dean thrust his hand faster.

Dean gripped Cas' cock sightly, releasing pressure. He fiddled his thumb around the tip, and received a delightful moan from Cas. Cas flung his head back and groaned at Dean's touch. Cas clenched his teeth before he quickly pressed his lips to Dean's again. Slipping his tongue into his mouth and moaning inside.

Dean released from Cas' mouth and started sucking on Cas neck, trailing kisses up until Deans lips found Cas' again. Dean moved his hand harder and faster until he heard Cas moaning against his lips again.

Cas gripped the back of Deans neck as he squirmed around. Dean pressed his arm up against Cas' chest to hold him up against the wall.

Cas squirmed beneath Dean's arm and Dean buried his face in Cas' neck, trailing kisses to his ear.

"You like that, Cas?" Dean breathed deeply. Cas' stomach twisted at his deep voice.

"Mhmm.." Cas moaned, as he felt himself about to explode. Suddenly, Dean dropped to his knees, and took Cas in his mouth with one quick movement. The sudden impact almost sent Cas flying to the ground, "Oh, fuck," Cas groaned.

Dean seemed a little uneasy, but he moaned as he sunk his mouth farther down Cas' cock, going deeper and deeper each time. Dean stared at the carved bones of Cas' hips as he ran his fingers across them, sucking Cas slowly.

"Look at me," Cas groaned hoarsely. Dean obeyed and gazed up at Cas, who immediately entwined his fingers in Dean's hair, pushing him down farther until he could feel the back of Dean's throat. Dean worked Cas' cock harder, slurping and sucking until Cas was a groaning mess. Cas' stomach twisted with sensation as he felt his impending orgasm.

Dean released his mouth from Cas for a quick second, "You like that, Cas?" Dean groaned as he took Cas in his mouth again.

"Fuck, Dean, I'm coming!" Cas screamed as he pushed Dean's head all the way down his cock as he came down Dean's throat.

When Dean felt Cas come in his throat, Dean let go of Cas, stood up, and backed up against the wall. Cas was too out of breath to notice Dean's sudden reaction. Cas pulled up his pants and leaned back against the wall.

Suddenly, Dean reached down and grabbed his jacket off the ground before walking right out the door.

He didn't even say anything, or give Cas a second look.

Cas stood at his desk. His face twisted in complete embarrassment and disappointment. He stared at the door waiting for Dean to come back in.

He never did.


	3. Chapter 3

It was lunchtime the next day, and Cas was sitting with Balthazar and Gabe. Cas sat slouched over, fiddling his fingers around the plastic baggie containing his uneaten sandwich. His mind was a total blank.

He couldn't get over the feeling that he had done something _wrong. _He blamed himself. He blamed himself for letting Dean use him. Blamed himself for not satisfying Dean enough.

Gabe cleared his throat, "Cas what's wrong?" he asked putting a hand on Cas' shoulder. Cas clicked back to Earth and jumped a little at Gabe's sudden grasp.

Cas blinked, "Nothing, why?"

Balthazar scoffed and chimed in, "Well, you haven't said a word for the last twenty minutes, Cas. Not to mention you've been staring into space for the last thirty."

Cas cleared his throat in discomfort.

Gabe shook his head and grabbed his sandwich from his plate, "He probably just got like a B+ on a test or something," He spoke with his mouth full.

"No!" Cas yelled back instantly, glaring at Gabe with an agitated look.

Gabe stopped chewing and exchanged a look with Balthazar. Balthazar raised his eyebrows and gave Cas a smug look.

"Then...what happened? Gabe asked.

Cas clenched his jaw, "Just, don't tell anyone?" Cas asked solemnly. They both gave him a nod, "Well...I hooked up with Dean Winchester."

Gabe spit out part of his sandwich onto the table and started coughing, "Excuse me?!" He yelled.

Balthazar's eyebrows practically raised off his forehead, "I'm sorry, come again?" Balthazar exclaimed, leaning in toward Cas.

"You guys heard me." Cas said straightening his lips into a thin line. His stomach twisted at hearing himself even say it. The realization that _he_... hooked up with..._Dean..._ just now hit him. He could barely believe it himself. _  
><em>

"Dean Winchester?" Gabe scoffed, giving Cas a look of disbelief. Cas felt a sudden angry vibe illuminating from Gabe's face.

"I'm not kidding guys. We were assigned a project together and almost every night he comes over to work on it and, I don't know, he came to my room drunk last night and just attacked me." Cas muttered, shifting in his seat. He remembered the sensations he got from Dean last night. His body suddenly felt stiff.

Balthazar ran his fingers through his hair, "Cas...he harasses you like every day. Do you have any self respect?"

"Yes!" Cas yelled back at Balthazar his voice clearly filled with irritation, "I just, lost it with him. I mean c'mon. The guys a fucking _god._" Cas muttered to them with a sly grin.

Gabe's mouth was completely open, "So, what? Are you guys like a thing now? Is he even gay? I don't think that a good idea, Cas. "

"Honestly," Cas said taking a deep breath, "I just think he was beyond drunk. I mean, he left right after. Didn't even say a word."

"He just left?" Balthazar exclaimed with a questionable look, "Just like that?"

"Don't worry, something tells me it wont be happening again, guys." Cas said before returning to eat his lunch. Gabe and Balthazar gave each other bewildered stares before resuming their lunch as well.

"It better not," Gabe said taking another bite of his sandwich.

* * *

><p>Cas walked home from studying late in the lecture hall, eyes glued to his phone again.<p>

He didn't look up until he was outside his door in his dorm. When he looked up, he wasn't happy about who was waiting there for him.

Cas' heartbeat picked up, "Dean?"

Dean smiled invitingly.

"What are you doing here?" Cas said putting his phone in his pocket.

"Project." Dean said stepping away from the door, motioning Cas to unlock it. Cas felt the upmost urge to reach out to him and give Dean everything he's got.

But, Cas had to restrain.

"Uhm, okay." Cas said glaring at him as he walked to the door and unlocked it.

Once Dean was inside and reaching for the textbooks, Cas shut the door and locked it. He cleared his throat, "Dean, what was last night about?"

Dean froze. He stopped looking for the textbooks under the bed and stood up straight, "What do you mean?"

"Like, why did you leave?" Cas said taking off his jacket and hanging it around the chair. He could sense Dean was uneasy.

"Look, Cas, I'm just going to be straight up. I don't know what I was thinking...for some reason I just really wanted you. I missed Lisa and I just wasn't thinking straight. It was a one time thing, okay?" Dean said, swallowing hard after. A part of him wished he didn't have to admit to himself that he really liked what had happened last night.

Cas bit the inside of his cheek. A part of him was almost, disheartened that it wouldn't be happening again. But, what else was he supposed to do? Dean and him weren't even so much _friends_, let alone _friends with benefits_.

Cas just nodded, grabbed the textbook, and resumed his place on the bed.

* * *

><p>Cas awoke to little slaps hitting the side of his face. He heard inaudible talking. After a few moments, he adjusted.<p>

"Cas, wake up," Dean said hitting Cas on the side of the face, "You've fell asleep for like an hour,"

Cas breathed heavily and noticed Dean's face extremely close to his.

_Hold it in, Cas_... He thought to himself. The urge was almost impossible to resist.

Cas sat up in his bed, he rubbed his eyes and ruffled his hair, "What time is it?"

"Two A.M."

"Are you kidding me? What were you doing while I was asleep?" Cas said looking down and fixing his shirt that was exposing his abdomen. Cas saw Dean eye his exposed skin before he brushed the shirt down.

"Uh-Reading." Dean said uncomfortably looking down and closing the textbook and putting it aside. He placed his hands on his knees and rubbed them slightly.

The action had made Cas' urge almost relentless.

Cas shook it off and cleared his throat, "You read?" he said tilting his head and smiling.

"Funny." Dean said leaning back against the wall. Cas smiled slightly before returning to his textbook.

Dean let out a sigh before turning his head to look at Cas. He gazed at Cas until Cas caught him staring at him. Dean stared for a few moments longer before scooching closer to him.

"What are you doing?" Cas asked. His heartbeat picked up.

"Anyone tell you that you have really gorgeous eyes?" Dean asked, squinting and leaning in closer to Cas.

Cas swallowed. He started to reply but was interrupted by Dean's lips meeting his.

Talk about 'expect the unexpected'.

Cas pushed away from Dean for a brief moment, "Dean, I thought you said it was a one time thing?"

"Just shut up, Cas," Dean said crushing his lips against Cas' again. Dean forced his tongue into Cas' mouth.

Cas stomach twisted with arousal. He felt the pulse of his own blood, a deep and powerful spin in the pit of his stomach, like an itch he just couldn't scratch. He instantly felt his pants becoming tighter.

Cas sat upright and swung his leg over Dean's lap. As soon as he sat on Dean, he could feel his hardness pressing into him. Dean clutched Cas' hips before dragging them down to his outer thighs.

Cas yanked at Deans shirt, and when it was completely off, Cas started to undo Dean's belt buckle. Cas teased Dean, rubbing his fingers lightly over his shaft. He felt Dean's fingers tighten on the back of his neck as his hand ran over Dean's hard cock under the cloth.

Dean was _big. _Cas looked down and bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted him. And he wanted him _bad. _

Cas grasped the back of Deans neck and pulled him close.

"I never got to thank you for last night," Cas said against Deans lips.

Dean eyes widened a little. Cas trailed kissed down Deans body before he ran his lips across the warm cloth. Dean let out a heavy breath as he watched Cas tease him.

Cas stared up at him, and Dean watched his breathtaking eyes seduce him, entice him. Cas ran his bottom teeth along Dean's growing shaft before his thumbs curled around the lining of the fabric, wiggling it down, unleashing Dean's hardness.

Cas stared at Dean longingly as he slowly ran only his bottom lip up Dean's hard cock. Dean bit his lip as Cas induced him.

"Tell me how bad you want it," Cas muttered deeply as he ran his lips around Dean's tip. Dean's skin was sensitive to the touch, and even the slightest brush from Cas' lips on his shaft drove him insane. He had an overwhelming desire that burned his body, and seeing Cas tease him almost made him speechless.

"Fuck, Cas," Dean groaned deeply, clawing at the back of Cas' neck, "Please, I want you so bad."

Cas grinned before abruptly taking Dean in his mouth.

"Son of a bitch, " Dean breathed, flinging his head back against the wall.

Cas felt Dean grip his hair hard, pushing him down farther. He heard a slight moan escape Deans lips. When Cas stared up at him, enticing him with his eyes, Dean almost lost it.

Dean entwined his fingers in Cas' dark brown hair, pulling it forcefully.

The pain had only heightened Cas' pleasure.

Dean lifted Cas' head up by pulling his hair back.

"You like when I pull your hair? Huh?" Dean gritted through his teeth. His eyes were squinted and staring hard at Cas.

Cas had never expected Dean to be rough like this...but damn did it feel good.

"More," Cas said deeply, returning Dean's strong gaze.

"Yeah I know you do, you dirty slut," Dean said deeply before forcing Cas' head back down. He pushed at the back of his neck until he could feel the back of Cas' throat around his tip.

Cas worked his hand in rhythm with his mouth, moving his mouth up and down Dean's hard cock, sending shivers up Dean's body.

Dean flung his head back against the wall. He felt his stomach twisting. Cas licked Dean's hard shaft from the bottom, slowly climbing his way to the top, intensely maintaining eye contact with Dean. He swirled his tongue around the tip and heard Dean breathe heavily.

He had to pull Cas up and force their lips together to keep from climaxing too quickly. Dean tugged at Cas' shirt to pull it off and Cas willingly obeyed. Dean clutched Cas' hips before breaking the kiss too look up at him.

Dean was not satisfied with _just_ a blowjob.

Dean opened his mouth slightly and hesitated for a moment before speaking, "Cas?" Dean asked running a hand down his back.

"Yeah, Dean?" Cas said placing a hand on the back of Deans neck. Scratching his nails across his skin.

Cas' warm hand had only made Dean hornier. His breath was uneasy.

"Would you...maybe wanna..." Dean dithered for a second, "...um..."

"Fuck?" Cas interjected.

Dean raised his eyebrows. He wanted it badly. He didn't know what it was, or why it was happening, but Cas made him feel things that he'd _never_ felt with a girl before.

Cas didn't want anything more. He'd been waiting for this moment since the second Dean had come to his dorm.

Cas crushed his lips together with Deans again as he unbuttoned his own pants. Dean leaned his head back to see what Cas was doing. He pressed his forehead to Cas'.

"I'll take that as a yes," Dean whispered against Cas before consuming Cas' neck again. Dean placed his hands on Cas' hips before violently throwing him on his back.

Dean kneeled at the end of Cas' body as he slowly pulled Cas' boxers off. He ran kisses across Cas' stomach, admiring the tan, smooth skin. He ran his fingers over the hard, yet soft muscle, then down to Cas' growing erection. Cas let out a soft groan as Dean cupped Cas' face.

"Do you have..um...?" Dean asked nervously. He stared at Cas and saw him smile slightly.

Cas chuckled, "Under the bed,"

Dean laughed as he reached and felt around under Cas' bed for the bottle of lube. He squirted some into his hand, "You're sure?" Dean asked, gripping his own hard-on, spreading the lube around himself.

Cas bit his lip, "Please, Dean."

Dean smiled and pressed his lips against Cas as he guided himself in. Dean instantly felt Cas dig his nails into his back. Dean quickly shoved himself into Cas, and Cas cried out at the sudden stretch.

Cas' head flung backward as he felt Dean press inside him.

"Oh, fuck," Cas moaned loudly, scratching his nails at Dean's skin. Cas squeezed his face tightly in pain. He hadn't had sex in a while, and Dean was far too big for a sudden wake up call.

"Am I too big?" Dean asked quietly.

Cas shut his eyes in embarrassment and let out a smile, "Just go slow,"

Dean obeyed and moved slowly at first, getting used to how tight Cas was. Dean didn't mind Cas' nails digging into his back. In all honesty, it turned him on.

Dean wanted to go faster. Cas had made him so aroused that he could barely control himself. He wanted to _fuck _him. And he wanted to _fuck _him hard.

"Cas," Dean groaned, feeling his stomach tightly swirl around as he unwillingly controlled his urge to fuck the shit out of him, "I need to fuck you," He pressed his chest against Cas.

Cas' pain started to ease and Dean could feel himself sinking in farther in Cas.

"Then fuck me, Dean." Cas whispered as he ran his thumb across Dean's bottom lip.

Dean felt Cas' muscles tighten around him. Suddenly, he slammed hard into Cas, and Cas cried out loudly. Dean tried to hush Cas, by invading his mouth with tongue, but he couldn;t stop himself from slamming even harder into Cas, causing him to scream in pleasure too.

Dean bit Cas' bottom lip faintly before placing a hand on the wall in front of him to gain more leverage. Cas' hand gripped Dean's shoulder, digging his nails in so hard Dean knew it would leave a mark. Dean bent his neck to suck on Cas' neck, beginning to nip and run his teeth along his damp flesh. Dean trailed his mouth to Cas' shoulder, then to his chest, sucking and biting every inch of skin coating Cas' body.

"Harder, Dean," Cas moaned in a heavy breath. Dean bit his lip and began moving his hips even faster, giving Cas all he'd got. Dean brushed against Cas' prostate, making Cas' body burn with sensation.

Cas' hands clasped onto Dean back, pulling him closer, "Dean...Oh fuck," Cas moaned in Deans ear. Dean's stomach twisted as Cas screamed his name.

"You gonna come for me, baby?" Dean groaned into Cas' ear.

Cas' hands fell to the bed and he gripped the sheets tightly beneath them. He could barely speak. His body was invaded by sensations that he'd never experienced before.

Cas felt himself growing almost impossibly quickly. It was almost embarrassing how fast he felt his orgasm growing. He had no control over his muscles, as he soon began to feel his body grow stiff. He pounded his hips against Cas', suddenly hearing the loud squeaking of the bed.

The noises coming from Cas were driving Dean insane. It was nearly impossible for Dean to hold in his impending orgasm.

"Oh fuck, Dean!" Cas yelled, arching his back forward so his chest was pressed against Dean's.

Dean could feel his own cock begin to throb inside of Cas. Cas started squirming beneath him as he ran through his climax, his body pulsating beneath Dean.

Dean breathed heavily into Cas' neck as he started to feel himself build higher too. Deans moaning grew more forceful, and when Cas felt Dean release inside him, Cas finally let go of the grip he had on Dean.

Dean swayed on top of Cas for a brief moment before pulling out and flopping on the bed next to him. Their heavy breathing synched with each other for a few minutes before they spoke.

"We should uh, probably do the project now," Dean muttered, still slightly out of breath. Cas laughed and turned over so his stomach was on the bed.

"Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it." Cas said closing his eyes. Dean sat up a little.

"Wait what?" Dean asked.

"What?" Cas said turning to his side.

"The project? What do you mean _you'll take care of it _?" Dean asked solemnly.

"Just don't worry about it, Dean. It's okay," Cas said sitting up next to Dean.

"Wait...actually?" Dean said putting a hand on Cas' knee, but Cas interjected.

"I know I don't _have_ to, but I _want_ to." His hand finding Dean's and placing his own on top of it. Cas smiled at him, and Dean returned with a smirk.

Dean suddenly got this feeling in the pit of his stomach. He felt somesort of guilt. A feeling he couldn't explain. Something was gnawing at him, like a painful itch. His stomach swelled up.

_Why are you guilty? You wanted this! He's doing the project! _Dean thought to himself.

His smirk fell into a straight line and so did Cas'.

"I, uh, should go. Gotta get up early tomorrow." Dean said rushing off the bed to find his clothes. As he darted out the door, he glanced at Cas before leaving. He saw the pain in Cas' eyes upon his leaving. Dean forced himself to look away.

And just like that, he was gone again.


	4. Chapter 4

Cas sat in class the next day, as usual, feeling anxious. He was excited, uncomfortable, nervous. A physically ill feeling in his stomach started to form that he had no control over. It was like electricity was surging through his body, without any ending destination. Pulsating and constantly searching for an outlet, never breaking or realizing there is an opportunity for calamity.

He was totally unsure what happened last night with Dean. He was totally unsure if he liked Dean or Dean liked him.

So, he just sat and waited. Totally and completely unsure of everything.

He hated himself for letting Dean take advantage of him, especially when Dean let his asshole friends abuse him.

A few minutes later Dean sat down next to Cas. His pack not far behind. Cas felt his stomach drop.

"So how's the project coming along?" Dean asked, acting like nothing happened. Dean tried to play it cool, although he was sure that he was even more nervous than Cas was. Dean rubbed his hands together, suddenly feeling the moist palms. The anxiety curled in his stomach, taking over his body and making every movement more difficult than the last.

Cas started picking at his fingernails, "It's fine." Cas said without even giving him a glance.

_Great, he's mad._ Dean thought rolling his eyes.

Dean started at him and pursed his lips as he nodded his head and swiveled his chair to face their professor.

Cas started tapping his foot against the ground.

_Don't be nervous, don't be nervous, _Cas told himself. He let the deep sound of the Professors voice calm him down.

Awhile into the lecture, Cas felt something hit the back of his head. He turned around and saw that a crumbled up ball of paper lay on the floor behind him. He glared up at Dean's friends who were already looking down at him and smirking. A part of him knew that he shouldn't pick it up, but he did anyway.

He un-crumpled it to see that they wrote: "_Shopping later? _" on it.

He just rolled his eyes. Dean peered over to look at the paper. He looked back at his friends and smiled, but when he looked at Cas and saw the humiliation in his eyes, his smile began to fade.

Cas was hurt, but it didn't affect him too much.

He wanted Dean to do something. To stand up and punch them in the face for hurting him. For humiliating him all these months. It hit Cas like a bullet to the head when he realized Dean was the one doing it to.

Cas threw the paper down on the floor again and he heard faint laughing shortly after.

"Nice one, Kevin." One of Dean's friends said.

It wasn't more than 5 minutes later when he got hit in the back of the head again.

When he picked it up and un-crumpled it, this time it really got to him. He looked at Dean who was giggling at his friends behind him.

His mind was screaming.

_WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING, DEAN?! DO SOMETHING! _

But Dean continued to laugh and giggle as he read the words printed on the paper.

"You_ have fantasies about Dean don't you? Are you actually doing the project, or jerking off too Dean behind your textbook?"_

He heard Kevin laugh behind him.

Cas slammed the paper on the desk and stood up. Professor Crowley turned around at the sudden noise and looked at Cas.

"Can I be excused?" Cas murmured.

"Of course, is there a problem?" Professor Crowley asked eyeing Dean's friends and then back at Cas.

"...No." Cas breathed turning to leave. Walking out the door, Cas turned to look at Dean. Dean was already staring at him with a sorrowful look.

Cas took a moment to stare back at him with regret before shutting the door.

Cas went to the bathroom down an alleyway adjacent to the lecture hall he was in and stood over the sink as he looked at himself in the mirror. He glared at himself for the longest time. He felt as though everyone in the world was staring at him, but it was only his eyes that he saw. He felt the heat rising into his cheeks.

"Why do I have to be like this," He whispered to himself. He felt his eyes starting to well up. He regretted what he did with Dean. Everything.

_Why should I have to work on this project by myself while Dean gets to hold back and fill his sexual needs?_

He hated himself. He hated himself so much.

But, Cas knew why he let Dean do it. He knew why he would practically fulfill anything Dean needed, or do anything he said.

It was because there was no one else to do it for. No one else who had ever shown him affection, especially someone as jaw-dropping and gorgeous as Dean Winchester. He had been harassed almost his whole life. His whole life, he wanted to be everything that he wasn't.

He couldn't help but let Dean completely control him.

He gripped the sides of the sink, "No. He can't control me. It's not happening anymore. I will _never_ have sex with Dean again."

He was disappointed in himself. Disappointed that Dean didn't like him. Disappointed that he wasn't good enough, and never would be good enough. All Cas' wanted, was to be good enough, for once in his life.

He glanced at himself one more time before leaving the bathroom.

Cas angrily walked down the small alleyway from the bathroom to return back to his lecture hall. At the end of the alley, he leaned against the concrete wall and took a breath.

_Relax. Just relax, _he thought to himself. He started to calm down when the lecture hall doors burst open. He stood secluded in the alley away from the door to let the people pour out before he left to walk home. He wanted to avoid seeing Dean and his friends again.

When he had thought everyone left, he started to walk out from behind the alley, but when he walked out, he saw Dean push Kevin against the other side of the wall.

Cas quickly backed up behind the wall again and soundlessly peered over the side of the wall so he could see Dean better.

"What was that about?!" Dean yelled at him, gripping his collar and shoving him hard up against the concrete wall. Dean was substantially taller than Kevin, no matter how hard Kevin squirmed, he couldn't get free.

"What are you talking about, Dean?" Kevin said clasping his hand on Dean wrist, that was firmly grasping his shirt, "We shit on that kid all the time! What's the big deal?"

Dean grew angrier and Cas saw Kevin's feet lift from the ground slightly. Cas saw Dean's neck muscles clench hard and he began to turn red again. Dean paused for a minute and breathed heavily. He loosened his grip on Kevin and lowered him to the ground.

"Don't do it again." Dean said finally releasing his grip. He started backing away from Kevin.

Cas grew tense.

"What, do you like him now or something?!" Kevin spat at him.

Cas raised his eyebrows at the question. A part of him didn't want to know the answer.

Dean shoved Kevin farther up against the wall and threw him on the ground.

Kevin lay on the concrete and brushed of his legs, "Dick," Kevin muttered under his breath. Dean stopped walking and turned to him again.

"What did you say to me?" He said taking slow, long strides near Kevin again. Kevin began to sink against the wall.

"Uh, nothing." Kevin said swallowing hard.

"That's what I thought," Dean said beginning to walk away again. After he was about ten feet away he looked over his shoulder at Kevin who was still plastered against the wall, "And if I ever see you touch or harass Cas again, I will rip your fucking head off. Do you understand me?"

Cas flinched. He drew his attention to Kevin, who also seemed to be in a confound state.

Dean stared hard at Kevin until he nodded.

Cas watched Dean unconcernedly walk away. He pressed his back up against the alley wall again.

It felt like hours had passed before Cas could finally breathe again.

* * *

><p>When he finally got to his dorm, Cas was a very perplexed. He sat on his bed and ran his fingers through his hair. He picked through his bag for his phone and dialed. THe ring echoing in his ear seemed to grow louder each time until a voice broke the penetrating sound.<p>

"Gabe?" Cas said hesitantly.

"Yeah, Cas what's up?"

"I need your intake on something."

"Alright, hit me with it."

Cas sat talking and explaining to Gabe for a half an hour. Cas paced back and forth as he talked, sometimes even peeking through the peephole and looking down the hallway for any sight of Dean. He was happy and sad that he didn't show up.

When Cas finally finished talking, he flopped on his bed and took a long breath.

"Wait, so Kevin asked if you wanted to go shopping? Was he being legit?"

Cas raised his eyebrows in anger.

"That whole story," Cas said sitting up on the bed and pursing his lips, "And that's your take away?"

"Sorry, sorry, sorry nevermind. Um, well I mean, sounds to me that maybe he's just like sexually deprived?"

"You think?"

"What do you want me to tell you? That he likes you?"

"Dean Winchester does not like me, Gabe." Cas said grinding his teeth together.

"I don't know, Cas. I'd stay away from him. He's bad news."

Cas suddenly got butterflies. Not even butterflies, more of like a swarm of bee's that were stinging the inside of him. There was _no way _Dean liked him. No possible way.

The swarm grew in his stomach when he heard a knock at his door.


	5. Chapter 5

"I uh- gotta go, Gabe," Cas remarked as he started to close his phone.

He heard inaudible talking coming from the phone as he pulled it away from his ear and shut the phone. He threw his phone on the bed and scrambled around for a moment. All the nerves in his body jolted to life. His legs turned into jelly.

He licked his fingers as he glanced at his closet mirror and fixed his hair. Then, he hurriedly rushed to the door. He frowned when he opened it.

"Balthazar?" Cas said, his body deflating from disappointment. Balthazar noticed Cas' discouraged look.

"Well sorry to put a damper on your day?" Balthazar said raising his eyebrows, "Expecting someone else?"

"No," Cas breathed. He backed away from the door to let Balthazar in.

"You sure, Cas? You sure you weren't expecting Dean?" Balthazar said with a smile. Cas instantly shot his head up to look at him. Cas gave him an incensed glare.

"Why are you here, Balthazar?" Cas said clenching his jaw.

"I actually just came to drop of some notes you missed in class the other day. You've been missing a shit load of classes, Cas," Balthazar said throwing a stack of stapled papers onto his desk, "What's bothering you?"

"Nothing is bothering me," Cas said right away. He rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't want to admit Dean was the problem, "I just have a big project to work on."

"You mean that project with, Dean? The one you're basically doing by yourself?"

"I don't mind it, Balthazar." Cas says solemnly. In all truth, he meant it. Dean made him happy. As long as he got to see Dean, even if it was just for an hour alone, he was more than happy to do the project by himself.

_At least Dean is trying, right? _Cas thought to himself, beginning to pick at his fingernails.

"Cas!" Balthazar said hastily running up to Cas and placing his hands on Cas' shoulders, "You don't mind it because he's screwing you! As long as he's fucking you, you don't mind doing the project. And you know that."

Cas shook Balthazar's hands off his shoulders and backed away from him.

"Balthazar I know what I'm doing! I don't need you to tell me what's right and wrong. I can figure it out myself." Cas said walking up to the door and opening it, motioning for Balthazar to leave.

Balthazar inhaled heavily, "I'm just looking out for you, Cas," He said starting towards the door. He swayed in the doorway for a second before turning his head toward Cas, "Just be careful, okay?"

"Thanks for the notes." Cas roared, shutting the door in Balthazar's face.

* * *

><p>Cas decided to choose a different seat in the lecture hall. Mainly to avoid the douche-bags Dean called his "friends". He wasn't sure if they were going to humiliate him again, considering what happened the other day. But just in case, Cas wanted to keep his distance.<p>

The door to the lecture hall swung open and Dean's friends poured in. Kevin was in the middle of the pack. Dean trailed behind. Kevin took one glance at Cas, then at Dean, then back to Cas again. He didn't say anything.

Dean let his friends get seats in the front while he sat down next to Cas in the back.

"Why are you sitting back here?" Dean asked plopping down in his seat. He leaned his chair back so it touched the wall behind them and Dean kicked is feet up onto the desk.

"I wanted to keep a distance between me and your," Cas took a deep breath and raised his eyebrows, "friends."

Dean perked up at this. He threw his feet down and sat normal in the chair, "Well, I can assure you they won't be bothering you anymore." Dean said leaning toward Cas a little and smiling.

Cas exchanged his glance. They stayed gazing until the sound of Professor Crowley's voice broke it. Cas started picking at his nails again. He was anxious. Very anxious. Him and Dean's relationship was too little to be a _real _relationship, but way too much to be just nothing at all.

_Would it be too weird if I asked Dean where I think our relationship is?_

_No. _Cas thought, _I don't like him. I do NOT like Dean. _

His thoughts were abruptly stopped by the tight grip of a hand on his knee. Cas blinked back to Earth and he noticed his fingernail started to slightly bleed. He looked at the hand on his knee. Deans. Professor Crowley was in the middle of a lecture so Cas leaned into Dean and whispered.

"Dean...what are you doing?" Cas said grabbing Deans wrist and attempting to push his hand away. His touch made Cas start to become flushed. Dean started to move his hand farther up Cas' leg.

The higher Dean got up his leg, the more Cas felt himself start to harden underneath his jeans.

He didn't want Dean to stop. Cas knew he had to stop, but he didn't want to. He finally gathered the willpower to grip Dean's wrist harder and pushed him away.

"Cas..." Dean said rolling his chair closer to Cas, "What's wrong?"

Cas scrunched up his face, "The fuck you mean what's wrong? Dean, we're in the middle of a lecture, I'm not in the mood. Just pay attention. " Cas said, throwing Dean's hand off him.

Dean was extremely close to him. He could smell Deans cologne and it only made his jeans tighter. He tried leaning over to hide the bulge in his pants, but it was already too late.

"Oh really, Cas? You're not in the mood? Your body says otherwise." Dean said shoving Cas' hand off his wrist. Cas shook off the notion and continued listening.

It caught him off guard when Dean grabbed his cock from outside his jeans. Cas gasped at the sudden pleasure.

It caused some attention to face them and Cas looked immensely embarrassed. He covered the noise up with fake coughs.

Cas whipped his head to Dean and tried to push his arm away but Dean was too strong. Cas gripped the edge of his chair. Dean leaned back in his chair as he started to undo Cas' belt. Cas' seized Deans hand again hoping maybe he would release his grasp.

"Dean, stop..." Cas breathed. He was growing uncontrollably hard.

If it were up to Cas, he'd fuck him right then and there in front of everyone. I mean, damn, who doesn't like hot sex against a school desk, right?

"Cas..." Dean said continuing with Cas belt, "I know you don't want me to stop," He gazed at Cas with his prepossessing eyes and Cas completely lost it. Any willpower in his body he had before just vanished. Cas' grip on Deans hand weakened.

Cas clenched his jaw when he felt Dean get through the first layer of clothes. Dean leaned back in his chair again, cautious not to make sure they looked like they were doing anything behind the table.

Dean slowly stroked Cas' shaft through his boxers and was rewarded with a small moan. Dean could tell Cas was skittish, as Cas looked around the room, making sure no one was watching them.

Cas grabbed his knee and squeezed the cloth beneath his hand.

"Cas, relax," Dean said finally removing the last layer. The sudden feeling of Deans hand gripping Cas' hard member made Cas jump.

Cas dug his nails into Deans knee. Dean worked slow at first, every now and then hearing a heavy breath release from Cas or the faint sound of a moan. Steadily, he picked up his pace, and Cas squirmed in his seat.

Cas could feel Dean slightly tightening his grip, curving his hand around and gently running his thumb over the tip. Dean began to pick up the pace.

"Fuck Dean, slow down," Cas said with a unsteady breath. He was grasping the chair so hard his knuckles cracked. He could barely hold back his moans. Dean smirked at him and he began to pump even harder.

Cas tensed his whole body and fumbled his hand around to try and shove Deans hand away, but his strength was no where close to Deans, and his struggles only made Dean move his hand faster.

He could barely even last 2 minutes. Cas was about to explode. He needed to scream.

Cas' eyes trailed over to Dean and Cas could see that Dean was rubbing himself through his jeans. Any and all off Cas' willpower to hold back his moans had vanished.

It worsened when Dean leaned in to him so Cas could feel Deans hot breath in his ear.

"Come for me, Cas." He whispered. Cas could feel himself start to build. Dean bit his lip in anticipation and grew hard at watching the torture Cas had to endure. Cas suddenly heard his name being called and Dean slowed down a bit.

"Castiel?" Professor Crowley said from the front of the room. He looked up at Cas with a puzzled look. Cas thought that was it. They'd been caught. Dean didn't stop moving his hand. Professor Crowley turned to point to the black board, "Can you answer the question, please?"

Cas froze. He knew Dean wasn't going to stop. There was no point in trying to push Deans hand away. His body was screaming but his lips remained closed.

"Can you re-PEA-t the uhm, q-quest-IO-n?" Cas shouted down to his Professor. He heard a little chuckle come from Dean. His Professor gave him a perplexed look. Dean continued to work Cas' shaft even harder than before. Cas wanted to move away so bad but he didn't have the willpower. He needed Dean. The feeling of Dean's hand around his member sent surges throughout is body. He felt himself coming close again. He grabbed Deans arm and dug his nails into his skin.

"What is a cytoskeleton?" The Professor said calling up to him. He, and none of the people in the class were aware of the situation.

It was hard to Cas to think. In all truth, all Cas could think about was having Dean thrust into him and feeling his body roll up against his. He _needed _to feel Dean grasp the back of his neck and pull them tightly pressed against one another, pressing their hardness into each other. Cas ached for it. His stomach twisted at the thought and he was going to explode any moment now.

"AH-uhm, it's uh it's the-AH- cyto-PLA-s-s-s-mic structure," Cas yelled as best as he could. Sharply letting out quick moans to contain him. Dean watched in complete admiration. Cas heard Dean whisper under his breath.

"Fuck Cas, please come for me." Dean whispered softly. Cas couldn't control himself. He wanted to pass out completely on the floor. He let out a breathy moan by accident which caused a lot of attention. He dithered before shouting the final part of his answer at the top of his lungs.

"CYTOPLASMIC STRUCTURE THAT SUPPORTS THE CELL AND KEEPS ITS SHAPE AND FIXATES AND MOVES THE CELL ORGANELLES." Cas screamed releasing into Deans hand. Cas was completely out of breath. He sat staring at his Professor who looked dumbfounded. A few moments passed before he spoke again.

"See that everybody? _That _is how excited you need to be about science!" Professor Crowley said clapping his hands together and beginning to talk to the whole class again.

Cas turned to Dean. Dean had an unexplainable big grin on his face.

"I hate you." Cas said buttoning his pants.

"No you don't." Dean responded.


	6. Chapter 6

Cas sat in bed, thinking about what happened earlier in class. The thought instantly sent rushes through his body. He gripped the sides of the bed, the sheets wrinkling between his hands. He needed Dean. And he needed him _now_.

He flipped open his phone and dialed.

**"Cas?" **

Cas bit his lip at the sound of Deans voice, "Can you come over? I need some, uh, help on the project?" He bit his lip in anticipation, hoping Dean would believe him.

**"Sure. What time?"**

"Now." Cas said abruptly.

**"Uh, yeah, alright. I'll be right over."** Dean said hanging up. Cas remained on the bed, sheets still between his fingers.

Dean's words from earlier echoed in his head; _Come for me, Cas. _

Cas couldn't get the broken record in his mind to stop. He felt himself growing immensely hard.

He couldn't help himself. He rubbed his hand over his already growing erection.

Cas finally heard the knock on his door. He hurriedly jumped out of his bed to open it.

Dean's face lit up at the sight of Cas. Cas instantly grabbed the collar of his shirt then yanked him inside his room. He violently shoved Dean against the door, slamming it shut. Dean's hands seized Cas' shoulders in a panic.

"Cas-" Dean began to say, but was instantly cut of when Cas crushed his lips against Dean's.

Dean grabbed Cas' shoulders and yanked him away, "Cas what're you doing?" Dean muttered under his breath. Cas continued to attack him, yanking at his shirt.

"Shut the fuck up and fuck me," Cas mumbled, suddenly crushing his lips against Dean's again.

Dean smiled against Cas' lips and his grip weakened, and moved down to clutch Cas' hips.

Cas breathed heavily against Dean's neck. He forced Dean closer by grabbing the small of his back and pressing Dean into himself. He felt Dean smile against his lips when Cas pressed his hardness into Dean's.

Cas began to pull Dean's shirt, walking backwards and leading him to the bed. Cas wrestled his shirt until it pulled off completely. Dean did the same with Cas'. Dean launched Cas backward's onto the bed, slowly crawling up to him and running his fingers across his skin to seize his lips again.

Cas wrapped his legs across Dean's waist and Dean began rolling his hips. He parted from Cas' lips and Cas breathed heavily against Dean's mouth.

Dean ran his fingers across the sides of Cas' face. He stared at him for a moment before seizing his lips to Cas' mouth and forcing his tongue inside. Cas fumbled with Deans belt until it yielded, and Dean eagerly slipped out of his jeans.

Dean began kissing Cas' neck, leading down a trail of kisses until he reached Cas' jeans. Dean gazed at Cas lustfully as he unbuttoned Cas pants and pulled them off.

Dean launched on top of Cas once more, fervent to crush his mouth to Cas' soft lips. Cas felt Dean press his already hard cock close to his entrance, and it sent goosebumps across Cas' damp skin.

He could barely control his mouth, "Dean, fuck me, I need you so bad," He groaned, running his nails across Dean's chest.

Dean smiled but continued to move down to Cas' neck, taking his time to cover all of the bare skin. Cas clutched the back of Dean's neck, running his fingers through the dark blonde hair. Cas leaned his head back and arched his back to press his body more into Dean's.

"You fucking tease," Cas groaned deeply.

Dean wet his palm with his tongue before moving it down to clutch Cas' cock. Cas felt the pressure Dean was giving him and he felt chills run up his spine.

"Dean, please," Cas moaned against Dean's ear. The sound of Cas moaning in Dean's ear sent surges through his body. Dean very eagerly reached for the lube underneath Cas' bed. He pressed his lips to Cas' again as he coated himself.

He sat up on his knees and pushed himself into Cas faster than expected. Cas let out a sharp groan. Dean hovered over Cas for a moment, letting Cas stretch at ease. Dean stayed there, teasing Cas.

"Tell me how bad you want it," Dean whispered against Cas' neck. Dean licked up and down the side of his neck and nibbled at his ear.

Cas groaned loudly, "Dean, please, I need you so bad," He said. He could barely even speak.

Dean hovered over Cas for a few moments, running kisses and caressing down his skin.

"How bad?" Dean whispered in the nape of his neck before adding a sloppy kiss. He trailed sloppy, wet kisses down his body and along his abdomen.

Cas grabbed the sides of Deans face and dragged him up until they were face to face.

"Fuck me. Now." Cas said deeply, eyes latched onto Dean's.

Dean leaned down and smiled against Cas' lips before briskly shoving himself deep into Cas. Cas released from Dean's lips and moaned against his neck.

Dean halted for a few moments before pulling out and thrusting into him rapidly again.

Dean stopped his motion again. He arched his back to press his body into Cas. He sucked hard on Cas' neck, releasing and seeing the dark purple hickey that now remained on Cas' skin.

Cas couldn't take the torture anymore, "Dean, please." He moaned softly against Dean's lips. Dean bit Cas' bottom lip.

Dean suddenly pounded as hard as he could into Cas. Cas moaned loudly as he dragged his nails across Dean's back.

Dean clutched onto Cas' hip as he started to move even harder and faster inside Cas. Dean slammed hard into Cas, brushing against Cas' sweet spot every time.

Cas gripped the back of Dean's hair and whispered in his ear, "Oh god, Dean!" He yelled.

Cas abruptly placed a hand on Dean's abdomen, pushing him away for a moment before turning him over so Dean's back was on the bed.

Dean smiled instantly when he realized what Cas was doing.

Cas walked his knees up to Dean's middle and slowly pushed Dean inside him again. The feeling was different, it was tighter, making Cas quiver. Cas bent forward to pair his lips with Dean's again. Cas leaned back and placed his hand up against the wall to gain leverage.

He started to roll his hips back and forth. Dean placed his hands on the sides of Cas' thighs and gripped them, digging his nails into his frail skin. Dean couldn't help but stare.

Cas started moving his hips up and down faster, and Dean could feel Cas' muscles tightening around him.

"Fuck Cas," Dean moaned arching his head back and shutting his eyes, "Ride me like the fucking dirty slut you are,"

The words flew Cas over the edge and he could feel his orgasm climbing, "Oh fuck, Dean," Cas said jolting his head. Cas' gasped loudly when he suddenly felt Dean's hand started to jerk him off.

Dean's other hand gripped Cas' hip and pounded him down harder.

Suddenly, Dean sat up and lifted Cas off him, throwing him hard on the mattress. Cas looked confused as Dean stood at the edge of the bed.

"Get on your fucking knees, Cas." Dean said deeply, having a slight growl to his hoarse voice. Cas took a moment to gaze at Dean, admiring the beauty of the slightly damp figure that was before him. Cas obeyed and turned over onto his knees.

Cas waited to feel Dean's hands grab his hips, but was suprised when he felt a sudden pain hit his backside. Dean had just spanked him. Cas quickly turned his head to meet Dean's eyes, who were already locked on him. He stood kneeling behind him, grinning and biting his lip.

"Dean!" Cas yelled at him, exchanging a slight grin.

"Don't tell me you didn't like that, Cas," Dean groaned as he rubbed the area where he slapped, slowly running his fingers across the small of Cas' back and up to his shoulders.

Cas smiled embarrassingly and bit his lip, "Mmm...maybe a little..." Cas moaned.

"That's right, all the good little sluts love to be spanked," Dean said as he slapped his hand across Cas' ass again, receiving a delightful moan from him. Dean then grabbed Cas hips and pressed himself into Cas without warning, letting himself sink in deep inside him.

Cas cried out as Dean leaned forward and grabbed the back of Cas' neck, pushing him down so he was head down and ass up. Cas gripped the bed sheets tightly as he let Dean dominate him.

"Fuck, Dean!" Cas screamed out.

Dean rolled his hips smoothly at first before plunging into him, sending Cas' limp body flying forward. Cas cried out and grabbed the wall in-front of him at the sudden impact. Dean bent down and put sloppy kisses on his back, leading up to his shoulders and to the back of his neck.

Dean nibbled at Cas' ear, "I'm going to make you cum so many times you'll lose count," Dean whispered in Cas' ear, digging his nails into the skin underneath him.

"Prove it to me, Dean." Cas responded quickly, his voice out of breath and raspy as Dean plunged into him. Dean smiled and bit Cas' ear once mor before sitting up.

Dean placed one hand on Cas' hip, and one on his shoulder as he pounded Cas down with all his might. Cas' body became more limp than before, as he felt Dean hammer into him, deeper and deeper every time. Dean continued to hit his prostate and Cas cried out in pleasure.

"Fuck, Dean! I'm gonna come," Cas screamed loudly, gripping the sheets as hard as he could, trying to contain his movement.

"That's right, Cas, fucking come for me," Dean groaned lousdly, feeling his own impending orgasm overtake his body, "Mmm, fuck, Cas, take it deeper,"

Cas was moaning loudly, and Dean felt Cas muscles clench so tight around him it made Dean's orgasm burst.

Dean exploded inside of Cas, then freed his hand from Cas' hips, seeing he left red marks.

"I'm so sorry," Dean said running a hand over the lines. Dean pulled out of Cas and flopped onto the bed next to him.

"It's okay, Dean. It doesn't hurt." Cas said pulling the sheets up to his neck. He turned on his side to face Dean. Dean smiled at him and swung his arm over Cas, pulling him into his body again. Cas lay silently on his chest. Dean fondled with Cas' hair until Cas fell asleep.

Cas woke up later in the night. Dean was gone. He rubbed the spot where Dean lay, and his face beamed. He couldn't stop smiling. Even when he closed his eyes to try to go back to sleep, his smile refused to leave.

* * *

><p>Dean's visits continued. Hours turned into days. Days turned into weeks. Sometimes Cas would stay up until 2 am in the morning, hoping, wanting, waiting to hear the faint knocking at his door.<p>

Sex with Dean Winchester, was what Cas thought about at ALL times during the day.

Sideways.

In a chair.

From behind.

On top.

For hours.

Upside down.

Horizontally.

Standing up.

On a bed.

On a table.

In the shower.

Hard.

Fast.

Scissor style.

At high noon.

After dark.

In a pool.

Cowgirl.

Against a wall.

In a car.

Harder. Faster. Now. Again.

Sheets ripping, sweat dripping, loud screaming, legs trembling, hair pulling, he loved it. Dean was his nicotine. And there was never enough in his system.

Cas refused to believe any one but himself when someone mentioned his feelings for him.

Cas _knew_ he didn't like him. He _never _would.

* * *

><p>Cas was walking home from a late studying session.<p>

_Ugh, feelings._ Cas thought.

He immediately stopped in his tracks.

"No," Cas said shutting his eyes tightly, "I do _not_ like him. I don't, I don't, I don't."

"You don't what?" A familiar voice muttered behind him, catching Cas off guard and making him jolt. He felt a hand press into a shoulder.

"Gabe," Cas said startled, "You scared me."

"Sorry," He said, sitting down at the nearest picnic table and nodding his head for Cas to sit down.

"Why are you out so late?" Cas asked sitting down. Usually the campus was deserted at this late of night.

"I was studying." Gabe said holding back a smile. He knew Cas wasn't going to fall for that.

"You were _not _studying, Gabe," Cas said glaring at him with a bemused smoulder, "What girl was it this time?" Cas joked. Gabe laughed for a second, but then the smile faded. Cas instantly noticed the change in expression, "What's wrong?"

"Look, Cas," Gabe said clearing his throat. As much as he didn't want to talk about this, he had too, "Balthazar told me about the other night." He said solemnly. Cas tensed, "I know you don't want to talk about it, but just hear me out for a second okay?"

Cas become infuriated. How many times did he have to tell them that he did _NOT _like Dean? A sudden tsunami of anger waved over him. He stood up from the table and paced for a few second before turning back to Gabe.

Cas gritted his teeth. He couldn't help but yell, "Would you two quit it?! I don't know what else to say to you two!" Cas screamed at him. He was too seething to have any kind of filter. Gabe's face sunk and he became unsettled.

"Cas I didn't mean to-" Gabe said but was interrupted by yelling again. Gabe couldn't look Cas in the eye. He gazed around trying to black Cas out. It was then when he saw a familiar face stroll through the building behind them and begin walking towards them. He squinted his eyes to make out who it was. He suddenly froze, "Cas wait-" Gabe tried to say, but was overpowered by Cas' roars.

"Gabe do you understand me!?" Cas said, his voice filled with rage, "I don't like Dean! I never will! He's a narcissistic asshole who only cares about himself! I would rather shove a rusty fork down my throat than ever kiss him! He's a fucking dick and I hated hooking up with him! It makes me want to be sick to my stomach! Even I know that I could do better than that! I'm only doing this project by myself so he won't fuck i-"

"Cas!" Gabe cut him off screaming at the top of his lungs. Gabe swallowed once a loud silence waved over them.

"What, Gabe!" Cas growled. Gabe looked as if he was mortified. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked over Cas' shoulder. Cas noticed Gabe looking over him and turned around. His eyes sunk.

"Dean..." Cas said motionless. He had never seen more desolation in Dean's eyes. Cas tried to stare him in the face unflinchingly, to betray no trace of horror or fear, or any of the numerous emotions jolting down his spine threatening to overcome him.

"Well," Gabe said backing away from the scene, "look's like it's past my bedtime! Uh, yeah." He mumbled before hurriedly running away.

Cas wish Gabe hadn't left.

"Dean," Cas breathed. He suddenly felt like he had a lump in his throat. He could barely look at Dean let alone speak to him, "I-I didn't mean it."

Dean couldn't do anything else but stare. It hit him like a bullet to the head.

It was then that he realized how he'd actually felt about Cas. He was just too ignorant and ashamed to admit it. He parted his mouth slightly to talk but no words came out. So he just stood there.

"Dean?" Cas said taking a step closer to him. Dean abruptly backed away.

"Save it, Cas." Dean said quietly and breathy, he felt his face start to heat up, "I've heard enough."

"Dean, look, I-I'm sorry, I just didn't..." Cas couldn't even come up with words to say. All he wanted to do was run up to Dean and hug him. Wrap his arms around him and tell him the truth. He _did _like Dean. He was sure of it. And now, Cas had no way of proving that after what Dean just heard. Cas felt the muscles of his heart tighten with incredible force, sending gushes of blood down his veins in a single movement.

"Just shut up, Cas!" Dean said quickly backing away, "I'm done with this fucking bullshit. If you didn't want to have sex with me you should've just said so, so I didn't have to waste my damn time."

Cas started to become angry, "What?! It's not like we had anything anyway!" Cas blurted out.

Dean stopped walking and turned back around. He clenched his fists until the whites were showing from his knuckles.

Dean looked at Cas with as red and flushed face as Cas has ever seen him before. Cas could hear Dean's uneven breath. Cas' breath quickened and he used every muscle in his body to stifle a whimper.

"Is that what you think?" He muttered, pursing his eyebrows together. Dean told himself over and over that he didn't have feelings for Cas. He told himself from the moment he woke up in the morning, to the moment he closed his eyes at night. Guess you really don't know how important someone is to you until they've fucked you over.

Cas stomach tightened. He nodded, "Dean...don't act like we had something." Cas swallowed and tasted a bitter taste in the back of his mouth that he couldn't seem to get rid of. His breath was coming out in ragged gasps. He didn't know what to do and he could barely think over the rising tide of cold fear.

Dean just stared at him in dismay. He started laughing a doleful laugh, "You only thought I was with you for the sex, Cas?"

"I don't think, Dean, I _know_." Cas said shyly. He felt like his heart was about to beat right through his chest. He never thought that things could be going so perfect one day, and then suddenly everything could just fall apart.

"Is that why you were with me? For the sex?" Dean asked cautiously.

Cas didn't answer. He couldn't find words. He kept remembering lying on Dean last night, feeling like he had never felt with any other person. He never wanted to let that moment go. But Cas let it slip through his fingers, and he had no idea what to do. No idea what to say to make it any better.

Dean stepped closer, "Huh?"

Cas parted his mouth and Dean waited indulgently. But Cas already knew that he couldn't answer. He felt himself breaking apart, and his eyes started to well up. Dean waited but Cas never answered him. So, Dean just started walking away.

Cas couldn't move.

He couldn't call out to Dean.

He couldn't tell him that he wanted to hold him and never let him go. He couldn't tell Dean that he was the first thing Cas thought of when he woke up in the morning, and the last thing he thought of before he closed his eyes at night. He couldn't tell him that even just the thought of him could make him smile. Turn his day from bad to good.

He couldn't tell him that Dean meant everything to him. In such short of time, Dean became completely everything to him.

And of course, he fucked it up.

Cas felt the water drip down his face. A sob rose in his chest and threatened to break free. Despite the fact that he felt everything, he couldn't see.

Dean was halfway down the sidewalk when he turned back around.

They stared at eachother for a moment before Dean called out to him, "Well I wasn't." He said before walking away completely.

Cas waited until Dean was out of sight.

He fell to his knees.

And cried.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you everyone for the follows and reviews:)**

* * *

><p>Dean lay silently on his bed. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He just layed there, staring at the wall beside him, taking long, raspy breaths.<p>

He hadn't moved from his bed for 12 hours since his incident with Cas.

He wanted to forget, but a part of him wouldn't let go.

It felt as if something had reached in, tore his heart from his chest, threw it on the ground , stepped on it then put it back. The pain was so deep, so agonizing, so intense. He was mangled beyond recognition, his mind numb, racing in circles, unable to make sense of what was happening

._..this isn't...it can't be real...wake up, wake up... _

Dean knew he was already awake.

"I guess you never really know you like someone until you realize they don't like you back," Dean whispered in a long exhale. He grinded his teeth down together.

_Get up._

_You're being a baby. _He thought.

He shut his eyes hard before talking in a deep exhale and sitting up. His head felt dizzy and weak. For the first time in his life, Dean felt weak. He felt like he had just lost his engine. The part of him that kept him moving.

He felt worse than how he felt when Lisa had left him. But this time, it was different. He felt empty. He felt like a sad, lonely teenage girl who needed to lay in bed for hours and listen to a "Depressed Playlist" on his phone.

Dean sat up on the bad and clenched his fists. He could feel the sadness drifting away as a wave of rage poured over him. A part of him felt like he needed revenge. He wanted to make Cas see that he would be _perfectly fine_ without him.

Dean immediately got out of bed and left the room.

He powered through the long hallway until he reached the dorm. Dean knocked on the door, unnerved and anxious. He heard faded footsteps on the other side. Each one made his heart beat faster. The door swung open.

"Dean?"

"Lisa," He said swallowing. He suddenly felt like this was a bad idea. He almost thought about turning back right then and there but then shook off the notion, "Hey."

Lisa's eyes were muddled. She parted her lips slowly, "What are you doing here?" She asked motionless. Dean took this as an opportunity to let himself in. He slowly pushed the door open and walked in, seeing the tension in Lisa's eyes. He forced himself to let out a slight smile.

"I'm sorry," He pushed himself to say. He carefully shut the door behind him, letting out an uneven breath, "I miss you." He said. The words made him want to be sick.

It took a few moments for Lisa to adjust, "You do?" She whispered. Her eyes filled with euphoria.

"Yeah," Dean said instantly. He started to sense the feeling of regret coming across him again. He didn't miss her. Not at all. Or at least, not anymore.

_Show him you don't need him_, Dean kept repeating in his head. The more he said it over and over in his head, the more incentive he had. He stepped closer to Lisa, still a bit shocked. She looked up at him with bewildering eyes.

And then he did it. He grabbed Lisa's face, cupping it and pulling their lips together. Lisa had no hesitation as she gripped Dean's hips, pulling his body closer.

At first, Dean didn't mind the feeling of Lisa against his lips again. But as he rubbed his fingers against her face, he felt that something wasn't right. He couldn't feel the thin stubble that brushed against his hands. Or the strong grip that held his hips. He couldn't feel the clutch around his neck or the hardness pressing into his own.

He couldn't feel Cas.

Dean tensed his body at the thought. Lisa pulled away, her face confused.

"What's wrong, Dean?" She said, still gripping his shirt at his hips. Dean imagined Cas pulling at his shirt and gripping his skin with Cas' fingers.

Dean swallowed, "Nothing," He lied, "I just want to take things slow. I want us to really be _us_ again." He said quickly pushing away from Lisa.

"Me too," She said stepping towards him again, whipping her arms around the back of his neck and pulling him in for an immense hug. Dean hesitated to put his arms around her again, "I love you," She said gazing up at him. For a second, Dean remembered gazing at Cas.

Seeing himself in the reflection of the endless ocean that lay in Cas' eyes.

He remembered holding Cas in his arms. Cas across his chest with his head nuzzled in his neck. Deans fingers running through the thick brown hair. The feeling of Cas' skin against his. The way his body felt exhilarated at even the slightest thought about him, not to mention how he felt when he was with him. It was like there was nobody else on the planet. Just him and Cas, against the world.

"I love you too," He said.

Then he realized he wasn't talking to Cas.

* * *

><p>Cas sat with Gabe and Balthazar at lunchtime.<p>

Head down, hands in his lap, and miserable. He heard nothing but the screaming in his mind.

He felt empty. He felt cold. And no matter how much warmth was given to him, it felt as if he was only growing colder. He was so disappointed in himself. More than he would ever be in his life. Just when he thought he finally had someone to hold on to, it disappeared in an instant.

Cas jolted back to life when he felt a hand shake his shoulder.

"Cas, you okay?" Balthazar asked putting down his sandwich. Cas didn't look up from the ground. He could barely process what anyone was saying to him.

_Oh yeah I'm just fucking peachy, _Cas thought,_ No, I'm not fucking okay. I've never been more less okay in my life you fucking idiot._

"I'm fine." Cas said popping his head up. He forced himself to let out a slight grin.

"You don't seem fine, Cas." Gabe said gritting his teeth, "What's bothering you?"

_As if you don't know. **You're** the reason Dean is gone. If **you** had never been there that day...everything would be fine, _Cas contemplated to himself again. He denied that Dean leaving was his fault. He refused to believe it was his fault.

_Gabe brought it up, _Cas contemplated with anger, _if fucking Gabe hadn't brought up Dean...we'd still be fine. Just fucking fine. _

"Nothing is bothering me. I'm just tired."

"Is it Dean still?" Balthazar chimed in.

Cas let out an irritated sigh. He didn't want to concede it. Talking about him made him feel incapacitated. He shut his eyes tightly. "Who else would it be." He admitted.

"Cas," Gabe spoke up, "You know you could do better than him. He's probably just a miserable fuck right now crying in-" Gabe suddenly stopped mid sentence and his eyes trailed over to the table adjacent to them. His lips parted and his eyebrows raised. Cas began to turn his head but remained looking at Gabe, "Cas wait," Gabe tried to stop him from turning around. But it was already too late.

Sitting at the table directly next to him, hand in hand, sat Dean and Lisa. Lisa was leaning herself into Dean, and Dean had a wicked grin on his face. Deans eyes quickly glanced at their table and when he saw them looking, planted a kiss on Lisa's forehead.

_Revenge felt good, _Dean thought.

Cas didnt say anything, and he didn't need to. One look in his eyes told Dean everything. He could see the desolation in his eyes as clearly as if he was speaking his thoughts and emotions aloud.

Cas gripped his soda can, completely demolishing it under his fingers. The tears had no control and they took over his body, running down his face. He instantaneously stood up out of his chair and rushed away.

Cas was completely overwhelmed by anger. It was a tornado of sadness and anger whirling around inside of him, demolishing whatever came into its path. He pushed people out of his way, unintentionally knocking a water bottle out of one of Dean's friends hands.

"Watch it you fucking faggot!" The guy said, shoving Cas so hard he fell to his knees. His palms scraped the hard concrete underneath him and he lifted them up to see blood trickle down his hand. He couldn't control his body anymore. All in one moment, tears completely poured from his eyes, coming out in rapid streams.

Everything hit him all at once. Dean was with Lisa, and there was nothing he could do about it. He fucked everything up. There was a heavy weight on him and it was crushing him, consuming him slowly and painfully.

"Oh shit," the kid said, standing in front of him, "Oh my god, he's fucking crying!" Dean's friend said, completely bursting into laughter.

Dean saw and shot up out of his chair. Lisa shortly followed and gripped Dean's hand tightly. He wanted to go over. He wanted to go over so bad. But his legs wouldn't let him move. He felt as though Lisa's grasp was pinning him down.

More laughter suddenly filled the air, and more of Dean's friends crowded around Cas, pointing and laughing at him.

"We should do something," Lisa said looking up at Dean, who seemed to be in complete horror, "Look at the poor kid."

Dean dithered, staring at Cas crumpled on the ground, blood trickling from his hands and water streaming from his face; he looked powerless, "No," Dean said as his lips slightly quivered, "Stay." He said, gripping Lisa's hand tighter.

Cas tried to hard to black out what everyone was saying. He felt so worthless, so isolated, he felt like breathing was a luxury he couldn't afford. Cas turned to the only person his eyes wanted to see.

What he saw next made him want to die.

Dean was laughing.

Suddenly, the whole world had stopped moving, and Cas only saw Dean, laughing, a smile on his face, because _he _was in pain. He was being abused by the person he trusted the most and it completely tore him apart, all at once. He was living in a nightmare, and there was no waking up.

Dean was staring at him right in the eye, mocking him, just like he used to. He was so ashamed of himself, for _still _loving someone even though they treated him like trash.

_Or maybe that's what I am, _Cas thought as he tried to force his legs up, _just trash._

Cas used all of his willpower to move his legs up, and carry him away from the roaring crowd. The blood on his hands dripped on the ground as he ran, leaving a red trail on the concrete.

Gabe jolted out of his seat and began running after him.

The crowd continued to laugh as Cas ran, but Cas could only hear the sound of his own blood pulse through his veins. He would never understand why he deserved this, or why people could be so mean. He would never understand how people could just leave someone in an instant for someone else, not even caring about anyone or anything but themselves.

He would never understand life.

Dean watched as Cas' shaky legs carried him away from the crowd and he suddenyl felt a spark of pain begin inside him. It had hit him in his very core and began spreading to the rest of his body.

He took a deep breath and quickly shook off the feeling, and swung his arm over Lisa's shoulders.

* * *

><p>Gabe hesitated before knocking on Cas' door. He took a large breath in anticipation.<p>

"Go away," Cas muffled from the other side.

Gabe pouted, "Cassie, I just wanna talk." He fumbled with his hands as he waited for a response.

It took a while for Cas to answer, "I don't need your help, Gabe. I'm fine."

"Cas, please, I just wanna talk." Gabe answered quickly. He waited calmly for a response. No answer. Gabe shoved his hands in his pockets and pursed his lips, "Cas, please I'm trying to help."

No answer.

"Cas!" He yelled once more, pounding on the door.

Still no answer.

Gabe removed his hand from the door and moved it into a clenched fist. He started hurriedly racing down the hallway. He was going to put an end to this. No matter what it takes.


	8. Chapter 8

"Charlie, I need your help," Balthazar yelled bursting into Charlie's dorm room.

She was sitting at her desk and jumped in her chair at the sudden break through. "Balthazar!" Charlie said placing a hand on her thumping heart, "I could have been naked!"

"So?"

Charlie rolled her eyes and formed her lips into a thin line, "What do you need?"

"I need you to locate a dorm room for me," He muttered walking over to Charlie and leaning over her. Charlie cracked her neck before beginning to hack into the school dorm placements. Her fingers began typing rapidly.

"Who's dorm?" She asked keeping her gaze on the screen.

Balthazar took a heavy breath, "Lisa Braeden."

* * *

><p>Gabe's phone buzzed loudly in his pocket. He eagerly opened a text from Balthazar.<p>

_Dorm B room 221_

Gabe looked around for a minute before responding.

_Thanks. You go check on Cas and I'll take care of this._

Gabe slammed the phone shut and instantaneously began running to Lisa's dorm. It was late, almost past eleven, and Gabe needed to catch her before she went to bed. He couldn't bear to wait another day.

He got a lot of disoriented looks as he fumbled his way through the girls dorm. He couldn't care less. The one and only thing on his mind, was making Cas happy.

When he reached Lisa's room, he held his hand up to knock but hesitated for a second, clenching his fist until his knuckles were white.

_What else am I supposed to do?_ Gabe thought to himself, _Just let Cas suffer?_

Before he knew it, his clenched fist met the door. He swallowed roughly when the door swung open and Gabe saw Lisa's staggered gaze.

"Gabe?" She asked clutching onto the door, "What-why are you here?" She said parting her mouth slightly.

Gabe felt apprehensive. "I need to uh, talk to you."

"About?"

Gabe looked around the hall, "Maybe we should talk inside. Seeing as there's people in the hall." He said pointing out the unusual glares they was receiving from the other people in the dorm.

Lisa glared at the other girls who returned her look with a bewildered stare. She looked strangely up at him for a few moments before backing away from the door and allowing him to come inside. Lisa clearly seemed uneasy.

"What do you want," Lisa mumbled, resting her hands on her hips.

Gabe took a quick and heavy breath before responding. "I need to talk to you about... Dean."

Gabe saw Lisa's expression change drastically, "What about Dean?" She said perking up her ears.

"Lisa, he's..." Gabe couldn't find the right way to put it. He didn't want to admit that Dean was using her, but what other choice did he have?

"He's what, Gabe?" Lisa spat at him, crisscrossing her arms and tensing her body. Her eyes stung Gabe's.

"Using you." Gabe blurted out with a small yell. His hands unclenched.

Lisa stiffened, "What?"

"Look," Gabe said starting to fumble with his thumbs, "You know Cas, right?"

"Yeah?" Lisa responded changing her position so that her arms were crossed tensely and her eyebrows slightly clenched.

Gabe gritted his teeth, "There's no easy way to put this,"

"Spit it out!" Lisa screamed.

"Dean doesn't love you! He loves Cas! He's using you to get revenge on Cas because he heard Cas talking shit about him and blah blah, you know, teenage girl stuff." Gabe bursted out and widened his eyes. Gabe saw Lisa flinch. Her arms unfolded and she held her hands beside her into clenched fists.

"Excuse me? Are you insane?" Lisa said scrunching her face and stepping toward him. She was fuming.

"Listen, I know it's hard to believe but-"

Lisa cut him off, "Hard to believe?" Lisa started to laugh, "Hard to believe? Dean is not gay! Just the other day he told me-"

"Don't you think it's strange?" Gabe said cutting her off again, "That he just randomly shows up at your door? Begging to have his life back with you when he was the one that ended it in the first place?"

Lisa's expression changed again. Her eyebrows unclenched and she gazed around the room. She backed up and sat on the bed, her body deflating. She looked up at Gabe with darkness in her eyes, "No...He wouldn't. There's no way. You have to prove it. "

* * *

><p>Balthazar grew concerned as he knocked on Cas' door. He hadn't heard from him in days. He'd been ignoring classes, Balthazar's calls and texts, he'd been ignoring everybody. He waited for a response. No answer.<p>

Balthazar sighed, "Cas, please open up. Please."

Still no answer.

"Fuck it," Balthazar said swinging his backpack off his shoulders and searching around for his notebook. He unclipped a paperclip from the pages and straightened it out and began picking the lock. A sudden wave of avidity rushed over him as he heard the silent click. Balthazar pushed the door slowly and it made an intolerable creaking sound. The whole room was pitch black.

"Cas?" He whispered. No answer. Balthazar crept cautiously to reach for his desk lamp and switched it on. When his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw Cas asleep in his bed, curled up, facing the wall.

Balthazar quietly walked over to the bed and sat down next to him, "Cas," he mumbled shaking his shoulder, "I know you're upset, but please, just talk to me, okay? We can get through this."

Cas didn't answer him.

"Cas, c'mon man, talk to me." Balthazar said shaking his shoulder harder.

No answer.

"Cas?" Balthazar muttered turning him over.

His throat immediately closed.

Cas was almost a pale blue, holding an empty pill bottle in still hand.

His face emotionless.

The breath caught in his throat, the fear choking him like a thick fog, blocking all rational thought. Balthazars feet remained rooted to the spot unwilling to move. The only thing he could hear was his own breathing, which was coming out in shallow gasps.

Balthazar didn't know what to do, he gripped the sides of Cas shoulders, shaking them violently, "Cas?!" he screamed. Cas' eyes remained tightly shut.

Balthazar felt chills run up his body as he felt the coolness of Cas' skin.

Balthazar gripped the sides of his face. His face was cold and sweaty, "Cas!?" He repeated louder. Balthazar's breathing became more quick and he fumbled around his pockets for his phone.

His hand shook violently, and his fingers much more so. He tried to open up his phone, dropping it in the process, only causing him to panic more. He scrambled around on the floor, feeling his body being taken over by sharp pins and needles.

His fingers shuddered as he tried to dial. Each ring became longer and slower and he started to feel sick. He finally heard the sound of Gabe's voice on the other line.

"Balthazar this is a bad time right-" Gabe started to say calmly, but Balthazar cut him off instantly.

"Gabe, get over here now!S-something...something's wrong!" Balthazar said in between heavy breaths. He started choking on his own breath, fearing he may completely lose it at any point, falling over and passing out.

He didn't have time to delay, so he shut his phone again and reached for Cas.

He placed his fingers on his neck. He felt a small pulse. A small surge of relief rushed through him. He dialed 911 and waited for them to arrive, clutching on to Cas' still hands as he waited. He closed his eyes tightly, attempting to patiently wait for anyone, just anybody to burst through the door at any moment. Each second felt like an hour.

Not more than 5 minutes later, or what seemed like forever, the door violently burst open and Gabe came rushing through.

Lisa stood horrified in the doorway.

Gabe stumbled over to the side of the bed, his face completely frozen in shock and terror. He parted his mouth to find words to say but couldn't.

"What happened!?" Gabe managed to blurt out.

"I-I don't know I just found him like this! He has a pulse I just checked." Balthazar said scrambling out of the way.

Gabe grabbed the sides of Cas' face and shook it a bit, "Cas?!" He screamed, before slapping him on the side of the face a little.

No response.

Gabe started to go into hysteria, and slapped Cas across the face with all his power.

Suddenly, a small groan escaped Cas' lips.

"Cas!?" Gabe screamed.

People started to form behind Lisa in the hallway and tried to peek in. Gabe gave her a meaningful look and she shut the door behind her.

Seconds later, the door burst open again.

"Back up!" A medic screamed. Three more followed behind him rushing into the room carrying a gurney. Gabe and Balthazar backed up terrified into the desk.

One hesitantly approached them."What happened here?" He said as the other men carefully lifted Cas from the bed. Both of them couldn't look away. Too much was happening at once. The medic snapped his fingers in front of Balthazar's face, "Hey," He said, and Balthazar adjusted to the situation, "Can you please tell me what happened here?"

"Uh, I came in and just found him here," Balthazar muttered silently. The medic listened sternly.

"Okay, well I'm going to have to ask you both to please step out of the room," He said pushing gently against Balthazar's shoulder and leading them both out. They stepped out of the room into a sea of people.

More medics came through the front door yelling for people to step back. They lined police tape against the intersecting halls to keep people away from the main hall. Gabe and Balthazar fumbled around stupidly. Gabe turned to face the door again to see them carefully but hurriedly rushing Cas out of the room and down the hall.

The medic that they talked to shut the door behind him and Balthazar stopped him with his hand.

"Is he going to be okay?" He asked nervously. A part of him wished he hadn't asked that question. The medic's faced remained emotionless. Unsmiling, the medic motioned them to come under the police tape.

He took a heavy breath, "I don't know. But, I advice you two to be realistic, okay?" He said, walking away down the hallway.

They both stared in awe as they watched him leave. They exchanged glances before rushing down the hallway and out the door. Watching in devastation as they saw Cas being hurled into the ambulance.

Gabe's eyebrows clenched and he became enraged.

Gabe gritted his teeth, "Call Dean."

* * *

><p>The next day came slowly. Gabe hadn't slept a wink. He stood by his phone like a guard dog stood by money. Waiting. Watching.<p>

His eyes were drooping and weary; he had to use all of his strength just to keep his eyes open. His back lay aching on the lumpy mattress, and his fingernail tapped slowly against the metal side of the bed. He flipped his phone to check the time: _6:44 AM._

"Fuck it," Gabe said as he pulled himself out of bed, suddenly feeling all of the muscles in his body ache and cramp. He couldn't wait anymore for Dean to return his call.

He wasn't angry as much as he was just plain disappointed. He knew Dean was low, but he never thought that Dean would stoop _this _low.

He booked it out of his dorm and into the mildy cool air outside. The sun had just started to peek through the trees, and Gabe could see his destination clearly.

The dorm doors creaked loudly and steadily as he opened it, creating an eerie vibe that echoed throughout the empty halls. He powered up the stairs until he reached the 2nd floor, where he then began to run down the vaccant, dim-lit hallway.

He turned the corner, then abruptly came to a halting stop.

He froze for a few moments, before cautiously backing up around the corner, and pressing his back against the wall. His eyes peered over the side, locking in on Dean.

Dean quietly came out of the dorm shower directly across his own room and shut the door behind him. Gabe could smell the essence of his body wash suddenly fill the hall. His hair was soaked, and the back of his neck was coated with water droplets, falling down to his dark navy t-shirt and leaving a water mark under his neck. He flipped a towel over his hair and shook it, before walking a few feet across the hall and to his room.

Gabe breathed carefully, before stepping out to confront him. Right before he stepped out, he heard another door open...soon followed by a voice.

"Dean," A farmiliar voice perked, "We gotta talk."

Gabe flinched his eyebrows, peeking over the side a little to see, Ash. A very lazy, disheveled, mess who was convinced he was too smart to attend his classes. And even after failing multiple times, he complained that "grades don't measure intelligence".

He was right, but there is a clear and obvious difference between attempting to put in effort and failing anyway, and just failing because you didn't try at all.

He strutted up to Dean, his long and unkempt hair swung behind him.

"Dean," Ash mumbled, giving Dean a pat on the shoulder, "So, what's the deal with you and Cas, huh?"

Dean scoffed in shock, "What? How do you..?" Dean began to say but cut himself off. He'd been more than careful about sneaking in and out of his dorm at night, and making sure no one saw him entering or leaving Cas'.

Ash started laughing. "My buddy lives in the dorm next to Cas'..." Ash said rolling his lips into a thin line and nodding his head briefly.

Dean's eyes trailed in a circle and he pursed his lips, "And?"

As cleared his throat, "We-uh, heard him scream your name. Not to mention the constant squeaking of the bed."

Slowly, a rosy scarlet color spread over Deans's cheeks, making his face take on an almost child-like appearance. Dean quickly turned his head away, utterly embarrassed. He cleared his throat before swallowing hard.

Ash picked up Dean's humiliation,"Nah it's okay, man. I don't care that you're-uh, sleeping with guys 'er anything-"

Dean cut him off, "No, no-I-It was only for a short time...It's over now."

Gabe's ears perked up. He leaned farther over the side of the wall and watched them furtively.

"What do you mean?" Ash asked with a confused glare.

Dean sighed, "Look, I know this may come off as a _really _dick move, but I mean, I needed the grade..." He said as he rubbed his hand across the back of his wet hair, sending small drips to the ground.

Gabe froze.

"Aw c'mon, man. Don't tell me you used the kid." Ash let out an exasperated sigh as he shook his head.

"Yeah I know, I know it's bad...but it's over now, and won't be happening again."

Gabe didn't understand. His brain short-circuited and needed to be rebooted. Around him, everything was in fast-forward while he stood motionless in the middle of it all.

_He used him._

_He fucking used Cas. _

Gabe stood behind the secluded wall, silent and frozen.

He felt disappointed, angry, sad, confused, all at the same time. The feelings whipped through his body, whirling around in a big, messy circle. He was shocked to his very core. He felt like he had just swallowed a lung. His legs, which were now like jelly, began to run. Run far, far, away and out of Dean's dorm. His mind stared to wander, unleashing new, evil, villainous ideas.

A wicked grin formed on his face when he knew _just what to do._

Back at Dean's dorm, Dean started to slowly realize what he had done. The guilt, the anguish he suddenly began to feel made him want to be sick.

"Well whatever, man." Ash said turning to leave back into his dorm.

"Yeah," Dean said staring at the ground. He turned his doorknob, flopped onto the bed, and shut his eyes, forcing himself to go to sleep.

Dean had always thought guilt was a useless feeling. He knew that no matter how much was put on him, it wouldn't make him change his mind.

It would just make him feel useless.

He was discontented with himself. It was worse than a dick move. It was a terrible, horribly, incredibly, awful thing to do. He hated himself for doing it. The guilt was shackled to his ankles, holding him down and scarring him with every move.

But Cas didn't know.

And he _never_ would.

* * *

><p>Dean woke up late in the afternoon. He stumbled out of bed, got dressed and grabbed his phone as he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He flipped through some texts as he started to brush. He spit and began gargling water as he played his one unopened voicemail.<p>

"Dean, it's Gabe. Cas is in the hospital."

Dean spit out his water onto the floor and his stomach dropped, "I want you to know this is your fault." Then the line cut.

Dean stood over the sink, gripping the sides. He felt sick.

Dean stopped and thought_, What the fuck does he mean it's my fault?_

His breathing became scratchy as he started to dial his phone. His whole hand shook.

"Dean." Gabe said deeply. His voice clearly filled with vexation.

"What happened?" Dean said instantly.

"What do you think, asshole?"

Dean was silent.

"He tried to kill himself, Dean. And it's your fault." He said before hanging up.

Dean stared into the mirror as he shut his phone. Gabe's words replayed in his head.

_It's your fault. _

Dean stood up straight, releasing his grip from the sink, "It is my fault." He said backing away from the sink and into the back wall, "It's all my fault," He whispered as he placed his hands on his head and gripped his hair forcefully. He had never felt so certain of anything else in his life. He could no longer control his hands; they were shaking in an odd trembling rhythm as the color drained from his face.

"I should have never left him that day," Dean said grabbing the sides of his hair forcefully, "Im such a fucking idiot!"

He slid down on the floor. He began breathing heavily and panicking. He could feel his pulse beating in his ears, blocking out all other sound except the breath that was raggedly moving in and out of his mouth at regular, gasping intervals.

"It's my fault, It's my fault." He repeated. He swallowed hard before stumbling into an un-sturdy stand.

Dean grabbed his jacket before bolting out the door.


	9. Chapter 9

The moment Dean stepped into the hospital he felt like his legs were slowly breaking apart beneath him. He stumbled his way to the front desk.

"I'm uh, looking for a uhm, Castiel Novak?" Dean said, his voice raspy. The nurse looked at him with a concerned glare. Dean bit the inside of his cheek.

"Room 443." She responded smiling.

Dean didn't bother to say thank you, he just booked it down the hall. His calves burned as he ran as fast as he could up the stairs to the fourth floor.

The hospital seemed endless, and Dean whipped around corners and halls trying to find Cas' room. He finally found the hallway with the 400's.

"Four-hundred thirty seven, thirty nine, fourty one.." He muttered to himself as he saw the doorway to room 443. As he was about to step into the door someone burst out and pushed him away. Dean was grabbed by the collar of his shirt and shoved against the wall. His back ached as it was held against the cold stoned wall.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here?" A deep voice breathed in his face. Dean's eyes accustomed and he saw Gabe standing over him.

"Let me see him!" Dean yelled, grabbing Gabe's wrists to push him away, but he couldn't. He was weak.

Gabe started to laugh, "Are you kidding me?" He said ominously, "How dare you even step foot in this hospital," Gabe said thrusting Dean harder into the wall, Dean squirmed beneath him but it was useless, "Cas _doesn't _want you here, Dean," He said yelling through his teeth, "Cas _doesn't _want you at all."

Dean felt his heart sink.

Any grip he had on Gabe released. He felt himself getting angry. Beyond angry. He was seething. Anger couldn't even describe what he was feeling. His normally calm and pleasant demeanor slowly changed, and his face contorted in rage. His eyes flashed and closed into slits, his mouth quivered, slurring words that were unintelligible came spewing into space like a volcano releasing its pent up emotions into the darkness.

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" Dean yelled in Gabe's face, accidentally grabbing Gabe's hand and twisting it severely.

Gabe yelled as he was pushed by Dean's force and flung backward and onto the ground in pain. Dean stared at Gabe doubled over on the floor, clutching his arm. Gabe looked up at him in extreme agony. He scrunched his face and shook his head.

"What are you doing here, Dean? Open you eyes you conceded fuck, you're just a hook up." Gabe spat at him, looking up and scrunching his eyes at him.

Dean felt as if Gabe was talking down to him, as if Gabe was 100 feet tall, and he, himself, was the ant who had nothing but its tiny legs to run away.

A nearby nurse heard the chaos and rushed over to Gabe's aid. She glanced at Dean who was backed up against the wall. Dean felt like his airways had stopped working. She reached for the walkie talkie in her pocket.

She bent down to help Gabe up, "Security we need you on the fourth floor, hallway C."

Dean couldn't move from the wall. His legs wouldn't let him. Gabe voice was like a siren in his head. His hands closed into fists and he crouched forward, daring Gabe to repeat once more the words that had ripped his soul out of his body.

_It's all your fault._

_Cas doesn't want you at all._

Dean covered his ears and dropped to the ground. It was like a loud scream was piercing through his ears and freezing his whole body.

He collapsed to the floor as he felt the pain as strong as one hundred daggers sinking into his stomach. Groaning and screaming with anguish. Dean writhed on the floor, clutching his body tightly.

His eyes were watery with the sheer pain and his breathing came out in sharp, shallow rasps. Sweat dripped down the side of his face and covered his foreheard in a thin sheet.

He suddenly felt strong hands grip his arms and pick him up off the ground, dragging him against the ground. His sweaty palms ran along the ground, squeaking against the tiles and sending burning sensations along Dean's hands.

The realization hit him as he registered he was being dragged away from Cas' room by the security guards. His hands reached for the wall and he dragged his nails across the sides. The sides of the walls broke away at his already uneven nails.

The adrenaline shot though his neck, and he could hear the loud pulses each one sent through his body. Dean began to feel as if a million tiny insects and burning irons were scraping his neck, pulsating across his body in waves of intense agony.

"CAS!" He screamed, writhing beneath the hands of the guards, "CAS!" He shouted louder, putting in all his force to get free, kicking and scratching at the arms that were pulling him away, "PLEASE, CAS!"

But Cas couldn't hear him.

* * *

><p>Cas opened his eyes steadily.<p>

"Dean?" He whispered so quietly he himself could barely hear it. His body jolted when he saw he was in a hospital. Balthazar, who was sleeping on the chair next to the bed jumped when he heard Cas. His eyes widened at Cas' awakening.

"Hey, Cas." Balthazar said sitting up, his eyes were glassy and red.

Cas looked around for a moment before seeing the needles attached to his arm, "What's going on? I thought I-" Cas started to mutter out but then he silenced himself.

Balthazar swallowed hard, "You're okay now," He said placing his hand over Cas', "Let me go get Gabe," Balthazar said eagerly standing and rushing out the door. Cas' breathing was uneven and he was afraid. Not moments later Balthazar trotted in with Gabe not far behind him.

"What happened to you?" Cas said eyeing Gabe's cast around his arm. Gabe and Balthazar exchanged apprehensive looks.

"I uh, fell off the bleachers at school." Gabe muttered untruthfully. Cas pursed his eyebrows but nodded in belief, "So," Gabe said clearing his throat and sitting down in a chair beside the bed, "How do you feel, Cas?"

"Fine."

Gabe and Balthazar exchanged looks again.

"Fine?" Balthazar said.

"Yeah," Cas responded quickly. In truth, he wasn't fine. They knew he wasn't fine just as much as he knew it, "How long have I been, uh.."

Gabe cleared his throat again, "Three days."

Cas flinched, "Three days?" He grabbed the bedsheets and squeezed them.

"Cas," Balthazar said looking up at him with meaningful eyes. Cas could tell he was confining, "You almost...died."

_Almost. _Cas thought, _almost. _Cas nodded and looked down at the needles in his arm, "Did anyone come visit?" Cas said, hoping to hear the answer he wanted. Balthazar bit his tongue and Gabe jolted at the question. No one answered him, "Did _he _visit?" Cas asked louder.

Still no one answered him.

"Did he!?" Cas shouted, causing Gabe to jump.

"No, Cas!" Gabe yelled back standing from his chair, "He didn't come see you! It's because he doesn't care about you! He never fucking did, dammit!"

Gabe shut his eyes. He walked over to the side of Cas' bed, "Cas, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. He doesn't deserve you, and you know that."

Cas forced himself to let out a small smile. He felt the emptiness feeling return again. He shook his head as he felt the water form a puddle in his eyes. He shut his eyes tightly and let the water drip down his face.

A wave of desolation rushed through Cas' body. He squeezed his hand so hard his nails dug into his palm and he started to bleed. He tried to breathe but his lungs wouldn't let him. He told himself to stop getting angry. To stop caring. To expect the lowest out of the people he thinks the highest of.

Nothing, nothing he had ever felt was worse than this. Being disappointed by the person you thought would never hurt you.

Cas saw it coming. He had known from the first moment Dean pressed his lips to him that he had begun to hope for something that would never happen. He blamed himself. He blamed himself for feeling disappointed. Because he had expected too much from him.

Dean was just another guy.

A stupid, self-absorbed, egotistical asshole.

"But I love him," Cas said completely bursting into tears, "I love him so much."


	10. Chapter 10

Cas avidly flopped down on his bed.

"Are you glad to be back home?" Balthazar asked enthusiastically as he shut the door to Cas' dorm behind him. Cas looked around his dull room, his eyes trailed around to the spot where Dean had laid in his bed. He stared longingly at it, until Balthazar placed a hand on his shoulder which jolted him to life.

"I guess," He said, running his fingers over the spot. Feeling as though the warmth still clung to the sheets. Balthazar grinned and trotted over to sit next to Cas on the bed, "I think I just need to get some sleep."

Cas didn't need sleep. Nor did he want it. He didn't want to sleep until he was able to feel his special drug run through his veins again.

He needed Dean.

"Alright," Balthazar nodded, his face expressionless, "You know I will have to check up on you, Cas? Every now and then."

"I know." He said turning away from and lying across his bed to face the wall. The room grew quiet and a delicate silence waved over them.

Balthazar didn't need more of a hint to know Cas wanted him gone.

"Okay, Cas." Balthazar said patting his back and standing up, "Call me if you need anything...anything at all."

"Mhm." Cas muttered softly. He reached down to pull the blanket over him and he nuzzled into the bed. Cas heard the slam of the door and he tried to drift to sleep. But he couldn't. He stayed awake, staring at the blank, dull, absent wall for hours.

Suddenly there was an aura of grey around Cas. A mist that wouldn't rise. A state of depression that he couldn't see himself through.

Cas felt a terrible weight on his shoulders. Like a giant boulder was thrown to him and he couldn't straighten up or catch his breath entirely.

A single tear rolled down his cheek.

Cas should have been crying, but he was too numb to even think about crying.

There was a giant hole in his heart and he knew nothing would ever be the same.

He wanted to hurt Dean they way Dean had hurt him. Cas wanted Dean to suffer. To suffer so bad.

But even the thought of Dean being hurt, by him, by anyone, had begun to hurt Cas even more.

Balthazar called him a few times. Every time was a drill. The same stuff. Over and over.

"Cas are you okay?"

"Yes."

_No. _

"Do you need anything?"

"No."

_Dean._

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

_Terrible._

"Do you need me to stop by?"

"Maybe later."

_Leave me alone._

"Has anyone else come by?"

"No."

_I wish. _

Cas replied with the same answers. Every time.

Eventually Balthazar stopped calling.

And Cas drifted to sleep.

* * *

><p>Cas awoke to a blaring banging noise. His body jolted to life as he adapted to the situation. The light was no longer shining through his window, and his room was pitch black. He rolled out of bed and turned on his desk light before opening the door.<p>

"Cas how are you doing?" A voice said.

Cas rubbed his eyes tenderly before finally seeing who it was, "Gabe, I'm fine. I've been sleeping."

Gabe walked a little toward him, obligating Cas to step backward and allow him inside. Cas' head started to ache.

"Maybe you'd feel better if you took a shower and got cleaned up."

"Gabe," Cas said sitting on the bed again, "I don't need all this help. Really, I'm okay." He said running his fingers through his messy hair.

"That's what you said last time." Gabe said uncontrollably. He looked shameful at the floor for his words, "I'm sorry, Cas. I'm just-"

Cas interrupted him, "I get it." He said gritting his teeth and his eyes refusing to look at Gabe

Gabe shut his eyes in regret, "Just promise me you'll get cleaned up. Just take a nice long shower and maybe you'll feel better, okay?"

Cas rolled his lips into a thin line, his head lazily nodding and his eyes dragging the ground. He barely even heard or saw Gabe leave.

He scratched his head before forcing himself up and undressing the same clothes he had been in for days. Sluggishly dragging himself to the bathroom to shower.

The water burned at first, causing Cas to cringe. It woke him up from a long daze. He rubbed the back of his neck, letting the hot water run down his body and the steam rise against his face.

He imagined Dean running his hand up Cas' body to grip the back of his neck and pull him in close so he could feel Dean's hot breath against his skin.

He shut his eyes tightly and swallowed hard.

He touched the skin of his face, his wet cheeks. He couldn't tell which was water, or which was tears.

Eventually, after minutes of standing motionless under the hot water, he got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, walking to the sink and running his hand over the mirror to get rid of the condensation. He looked into his eyes and remembered what Dean had told him.

_Anyone tell you that you have really gorgeous eyes?_

His eyes trailed to the ground and then back to the mirror as he caught himself smiling.

He let out a heavy breath before shaking off the thought and wrapping another towel around his head and shaking it. He dried his hair for a while before scampering across his room to the bed. He sat on the edge and ran his fingers through his damp hair. He breathed calmly, until it was broken by a fervent banging at his door. Cas rolled his eyes and shook his head.

He got up, towel still wrapped around his waist and irritatingly opened the door, "Look Gabe, I told you I am fin-"

Cas was stopped by his own choking breath. His heart began to race.

"Dean..." Cas said softly. He felt like he could hear his own heart beating.

Dean was silent. He stood in the doorway, mouth slightly parted. He was out of breath, and his eyes were glassy.

Cas felt his body tense, "Wh-what are you...?" Cas started to say but couldn't. He could barely speak. His body wouldn't let him.

His heart began to speed up as Dean stepped toward him, closing the distance between them quickly. Cas backed up and Dean shut the door behind him.

And in one quick moment, Dean didn't hesitate to grab Cas' face and kiss him. Cupping the sides of his face and assertively crushing his lips against Cas'. Dean smiled before wrapping his arms around Cas so tightly that Cas could barely breathe, but Cas wasn't complaining. Cas buried his head in Dean's neck and sobbed, releasing all the pent up worry and confusion as he gently stroked his dark, wet hair.

Cas gripped Dean's shoulder tightly as he felt Dean's warm hands finally clutching to the back of his neck, pulling him in closer.

Slowly but surely, Cas started to become whole again.

The happiness started to fill his body as he felt Dean's tongue slip into his mouth. He couldn't help but slightly smile against Dean's lips who quickly returned the gesture.

It began to happily overwhelm Cas and he felt exuberant tears start to build in his eyes. Cas held him like he would disappear if he didn't hold him tight enough.

Dean felt a tear drip onto his hand and he pulled away from him, "Cas," He started to say running his fingers along the side of Cas' face, "Please don't cry. I'm here, Cas." He said pressing his forehead against Cas', "I'm here."

For the last few years Cas had been denying himself, trying to force himself to keep people at arms length to avoid getting hurt, but Cas couldn't do it any more. Not with Dean.

Cas grabbed the side of Deans face and pulled him in once more before breaking again, "Dean I'm sorry...I'm so so sorry...I-"

Dean silenced him by running his thumb over Cas' bottom lip, and pressing his forehead to Cas' once more.

"Cas..." He whispered, "It's okay."

"Please don't go this time," Cas said shutting his eyes tightly, "Please. Please promise me."

Dean smiled before pulling Cas into him again, "I promise you, Cas. I promise."

Dean stroked his cheek and kissed Cas' lips gently. Their lips moved in time with each other and Dean raised his hands up to Cas' hair and tangled his fingers in it.

Cas' throat was tight with emotion and he couldn't speak, his eyes were fresh with tears as Dean pressed another kiss to his lips.

Dean's hand pulled up to his face and cupped Cas' cheek in his hand. Dean raised up his shirt and slowly started to feel Cas' body.

Dean moved from Cas' lips to his neck thrusting him onto his thighs. Dean placed his hands on Cas' neck slipping one hand down his back. Cas was in a total daze and all he cared about was how good it felt kissing Dean again.

Dean started kissing Cas' jaw line, gently nibbling his way around the bone. He moved from his throat, down to his collar, then kissing his chest. Dean touched his body so gently and passionately and Cas smiled when Dean bent down to gently kiss his stomach.

Dean ran his fingers through Cas' damp hair as he lifted Cas off his feet. Cas wrapped his legs around Dean's waist as Dean slowly walked to Cas bed, laying him down gently.

Cas fiddled with the end of Dean's shirt, slowly riding it up until it was completely off. Dean felt Cas' delicate skin as he pressed his chest into Cas', getting as close as he possibly could. Dean began to trail kisses from Cas lips to his neck, eager to devour his skin again, and further down his body and across his abdomen. Dean kissed hungrily, passionately, and Cas trembled as goose bumps rose on his skin. Dean descended down Cas' body, kissing him from his lips to his stomach and to his hip bones.

He removed Cas' towel before steadily beginning to pull his own jeans off, while running his other hand across Cas' smooth skin. Dean moved down his body, kissing his way down across his stomach, abdomen, and thighs. Cas and settled his legs around him; wedging him between them as Dean sucked on his hipbones.

Dean found Cas' hand and entwined it with his own as he crawled up to meet Cas' lips again. Dean ran his lips across Cas', just enough to slightly touch. Dean bit Cas' bottom lip longingly, as he began to inch his legs closer to Cas' waist. Cas reached under his bed and coated his own hand. He placed his hand on Dean's member and Dean breathed heavily. He rubbed Dean up and down, readying it for himself. Cas felt Dean's cock throb as his hand applied slight pressure to him.

Cas ran his fingernails across the side of Dean's face, "Please, Dean," He moaned against Deans lips.

Dean stared at him. Completely lost. Seeing Cas lying under him, helpless because he wanted to be, because he was letting Dean take the power, made Dean's heart pound. Knowing Cas trusted him, that he believed he was safe with him even when he started waving a knife around in stupidity and idiocy, made Dean feel more loved than he had ever felt in his life.

"You're so beautiful, Cas." Dean whispered to him, running his thumb across his face and over his bottom lip.

And that was it.

That was the moment. The moment that Dean saw himself in Cas.

The moment he realized he loved him.

Cas' eyes blinked gently before he smiled and pressed himself against Dean again.

Dean ran his fingers softly against Cas' face before he tenderly thrusted himself in, pushing himself in slowly as he held a long kiss with Cas. Dean felt Cas' grip on his back increase. Cas let out the smallest moan against Dean's mouth, and Dean smiled at the feeling of Cas around him again. Cas let out a small breathless moan as Dean sunk into him gently. Dean's grip on Cas' waist was forceful, yet so gently.

Dean gazed at Cas as he thrusted himself in, watching him move and breathe beneath him made Dean's stomach twist with arousal. Dean then began to move his lips to taste Cas' neck before unhurriedly beginning to thrust into Cas, taking his time to feel and listen to Cas beneath him. Dean started slowly moving in and out, sending pulsing waves of heat through his belly.

Cas breathed heavily and Dean tried to silence him with forcing his tongue into Cas' mouth again. He slowed down his motion to take time and kiss the skin around Cas' neck, nibbling gently across his shoulders and chest and to his ear. Dean raised himself up for a moment to stare at Cas longingly, noticing every aspect of his flawless face. He cupped the side of Cas' face, running his fingers down his cheek and across his lips.

Dean began pushing himself into Cas slightly harder. Cas ran his fingers down Deans back, as he felt himself starting to build impossibly quickly.

Dean cupped Cas face and groaned against Cas' neck. The feeling of Dean's breath on his skin drove Cas over the edge.

Cas' feet rubbed up and down the backs of his legs and his breath slowed while their tongues caressed each other. Cas trailed his fingers along the corded muscles of Dean's back. He pulled his lips from Dean's to brush them along his jaw, nudging his head back so he could kiss and suck his way down Dean's neck, his slighty thin stubble alternately tickling and rasping against Cas' tongue.

Dean didn't waste any time to cover Cas' skin with kisses, sucking gently on his neck. Dean raised himself slightly to look into Cas' eyes. They stared so long, completely forgetting where they were, who they were, only knowing that the other was across from them, and for a split second, it felt like their hearts were in sync.

It was then that Dean realized the moment he looked into Cas' eyes, that they were like clocks that stopped spinning, and everything halted. And to him, it was like a quiet, pure, blue, eternity.

It was different.

Both of them felt it. But both of them were to terrified to admit it.

"Dean..." Cas whispered in his ear softly.

"Me too, Cas," Dean moaned back. Cas smiled lightly at the sound of Deans voice again.

Cas breathing picked up as well as Dean's as the room was suddenly filled with soft moans. Dean grasped at Cas hair as he began to ride out his orgasm with Cas not far behind him. Dean pressed his forehead to Cas' as Cas started to climax. Cas gently moaned against Deans neck.

A rush of pure pleasure started to rise from the pit of Cas' stomach to the tip of his fingers making him scream with pleasure. Dean opened his eyes to watch Cas orgasm as he started to moan himself.

Neither of them heard Cas' phone buzzing on the desk next to them.

* * *

><p>"Why isn't he answering!" Balthazar exclaimed as he paced around his room. He started panicking and begun to call Gabe. He dialed with extreme panic.<p>

"Hello?" Gabe said on the other line.

"Gabe! Where are you!?" Balthazar said as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"I'm at the coffee shop catching up with Lisa. Why? What's wrong?"

"Cas isn't answering his phone!"

"What? How many times have you called?"

"Ten. At least."

"Alright, I'm on it." Gabe said shutting his phone. He jolted his body up causing the chair to make an uncomfortable squeaking noise.

"What's wrong?" Lisa said frantically. She saw Gabe begin to pack up his things.

"We have to go. Now," He said swinging his jacket over his shoulders, "Cas won't answer his phone."

Lisa face became concerned and she stood up quickly swaying her jacket over her shoulders too. They exchanged glances before hurriedly running to Cas' dorm.

* * *

><p>Cas lay nuzzled in Dean's neck. He was the happiest he had been in a while, and it almost seemed like everything was perfect. He finally felt the warmth that radiated from Dean and it made Cas feel whole.<p>

Neither of them said anything, but they both wanted too. Cas wanted to tell Dean everything. He needed to.

It had been caged inside him and had been slowly ripping him apart from the inside. His hand began tracing shaped across Dean's chest.

"Dean...I-" He began to say, but was interrupted when the door frantically burst open.


	11. Chapter 11

Deans body jolted forward as the door made a loud bang against the wall, sending Cas flying off Deans chest.

Gabe scrunched his face as he gasped loudly, "Oh my god!" He said backing away with his eyebrows raised.

"Gabe!" Cas yelled pulling the sheets up in front of himself and Dean. Lisa stepped out from outside in the hall. Deans face sunk. He suddenly felt like he had a lump in his throat.

"Lisa..." Dean whispered, gripping the bedsheets.

"Dean?!" She yelled, parting her mouth and placing an unsteady hand over her chest. Dean started to panic, trying to speak but barely could.

"Lisa, ah, it's uh, not what it looks like I swear!" Dean said unraveling his hands and holding them up in front of his chest. Cas' head sharply turned to Dean.

"_Not what it looks like?_" Cas repeated pursing his eyebrows. He suddenly felt a sharp pain begin to form in his chest, "Than what is _it, _Dean?!"

Dean turned to Cas with frightful eyes, "No wait, I-I mean-" Dean started to mutter but he couldn't find the right words to say, "No, Cas, I-I-"

Gabe backed up against the wall with his hand over his mouth. His face completely filled with trepidation, "Oh my god," He whispered.

Lisa's breathing became uneven as she was in complete and utter incertitude, "Gabe was right," She said as she slowly backed away and into the hall, stumbling as she went.

"Lisa! No, Lisa please don't go!" Dean called out, as he jolted forward and grabbing his pants and shirt at the end of the bed.

"Dean?!" Cas yelled to him, but Dean ignored it as he swiftly threw his clothes on. Cas watched in shock as Dean started stumbling away after her. Dean felt as if he was choking on his own breath. A punching feeling attacked the pit of his stomach as he suffocated on his own voice.

Every breath he breathed, seemed to echo through his head. There was no sense of direction, it seemed as if his head was spinning in circles.

Dean couldn't take his eyes from Gabe. His mouth opened as if to yell at him to go away, but nothing came out. He wanted to run, but his legs wouldn't move.

Dean was _afraid. _Afraid of _Gabe._

His head spun to Gabe who was angrily glaring at him.

"I told you Cas doesn't want you, you moron!" Gabe screamed in his face, causing Dean to flinch backwards. He scrunched his eyebrows and restrained from yelling back at him, "He doesn't love you!"

"GABE!" Cas wailed, leaning over to pick up sweatpants that were on the floor next to his bed, "Dean no, I-I-"

_I love you._

But he couldn't push the words out of him. They were caught in his throat. Cas felt his limbs go numb, submerged in a watery grave of trauma.

Dean and Gabe both stared at him. Waiting to hear the right answer. But there was no right answer. There would never be a _right answer._

They both wanted to hear _their right answer._

Dean remained backed up against the door, waiting for Cas to say something. But all they did was stare. Dean wavered slowly as he stared intensely into Cas' traumatized eyes. His eyes were so vacant and held no life. Dean stared into the gaping, empty eyes, and saw a seemingly endless tunnel, reflecting neither light nor emotion. And yet, when he looked straight into his eyes, he felt pulled by an unknown force... seeing a sad, pleading soul on the wall behind it

Cas blurted out the only thing that haunted his mind, "Dean...you promised you wouldn't leave..." Cas cried to him.

Dean swallowed hard. He looked to Gabe, seeing the pure and terrifying anger radiating off his body. He was scared. Gabe seemed to hover over him. Sucking the life out of him; feeling so powerless that he couldn't even harm a fly.

"I told you I don't keep my promises," Dean muttered, overwhelmed by the pressure he felt in his core. He bolted out the door, catching a glimpse of the wretchedness in Cas' face as he left. Deans legs kept pulling him back to Cas. He had to use all his willpower to go after Lisa. He felt his face begin to flush.

"Lisa!" Dean screamed as he was halfway down the hall.

Cas fumbled around with his pants before he yanked them on and tried to run out the door behind him when Gabe stepped in front of him. Cas was on a roller coaster. Everything was too fast to comprehend, and as he plunged down the steep hill, his stomach lurched into his throat, choking him and making his stomach tangle into a knot.

Cas put his hands over his face, suddenly feeling the wet sheet that covered his cheeks. He hadn't even realized he was crying. It wasn't the fact that he had been betrayed that hurt him, it was the fact that Dean was the one who did it. The fact that it didn't come from someone he hated, or someone he didn't care about. It came from someone that he loved. That he spent his whole day thinking about. Someone that he would die for.

Cas would take a bullet for Dean. And it wasn't until now that he realized Dean was the one behind the trigger.

"Cas stop! Fucking stop! He doesn't love you!" He said pushing Cas' chest a little. Cas' breath was uneven and shallow, he felt an attack of anxiety running through his body.

"NO! You stop! Stop fucking getting in the way of everything, Gabe!" Cas screeched as he tried to push Gabe away from the door. He clutched onto Gabe's broken arm and pushed it aside. Gabe howled in pain but forced himself to put all his effort into blocking the door. Gabe used his good arm to push Cas back and grip his wrist. Cas tried to flail him off but he felt the anxiety wave over him again and he began to hyperventilate. His body became weak.

Deans scream pierced his ear.

_Lisa please don't go._

_Maybe Gabe was right_, Cas thought, _maybe Dean doesn't love me. _

"Cas, please just stop!" Gabe yelled at him. Cas fell to the ground and leaned his back against the bed. He felt his face begin to heat up and his eyes start to water. Gabe put his hands on Cas' shoulder as he knelt down in front of him.

"Why, Gabe?" Cas breathed as he shut his eyes tightly.

"Because Cas, he doesn't love you! Can't you see!?" Gabe said shaking him slightly.

Cas opened his eyes abruptly. He felt his heartbeat pick up as the rage took over his body. He violently shoved Gabes arms off him, including his injured one, causing Gabe to release whatever grip he had on Cas shoulders. Cas stood up and paced around in complete outrage.

"Why are you doing this to me, Gabe?! Huh?" Cas hissed at him, clenching his fists. Gabe regained his balance as he stood up straight.

"Doing what, Cas?!"

"Pushing me as far away from Dean as possible!" Cas yelled becoming more heated.

"I'm not!" Gabe said jolting his body forward and stepping closer to Cas.

"Yes you are! Why Gabe, why!?" Cas screamed stepping even closer to Gabe, staring at him with rage filling his eyes.

"BECAUSE _I_ LOVE YOU, CAS!"

Cas paused. His fists unclenched as he took a step back from Gabe, "You...you what?"

Gabe breathed heavily, he shut his eyes in remorse, "You-you couldn't tell?" Gabe mumbled as he rolled his lips into a thin line.

Cas looked around the room in thought. He gave Gabe a an uneasy look, "So, this whole time," Cas said backing away from him even more, "You knew that I loved him, and you were trying to push him away?"

"No, Cas! I-I told Lisa about him, for you. I wanted you to be happy."

"Then, why have you been telling me that he doesn't love me?" Cas breathed, sitting on the edge of his bed, clenching his fists.

Gabe stared at the floor for a minute, "Has he ever told you he loves you?" Gabe asked raising his eyebrows.

Cas felt his stomach drop.

"No." Cas said shutting his eyes again, he started to feel empty again.

"See? He's just going to take advantage of you, Cas. All he wants is sex. You saw him run after Lisa, didn't you?" Gabe said sitting on the bed next to him, over the spot where Dean had been. Cas swallowed, suddenly becoming cold. He let out a heavy breath.

"But-" Cas begun to say but Gabe cut him off.

"Cas, he _loves _Lisa. You deserve better. You know you do. _I_ can treat you better. _I_ can be the one that's there for you. _I_ can love you like Dean never could, and never will," Gabe whispered as he grabbed Cas' shivering hands, "You were not worth his time, so clearly, he's not worth yours,"

Gabe's hands didn't feel the same as Deans. No matter how much Dean hurt him, it was okay.

It was always going to be okay. Dean was the final piece to his unfinished puzzle, and without him, all he could do was stare blankly at the mess that was his life, searching endlessly for his missing piece.

Letting go was something Cas could never do, and would never do.

Cas looked up at Gabe with tears in his eyes, "I promise I can, Cas. I promise."

* * *

><p>Dean rushed down the long hallway to Lisa's dorm. He pounded violently on the door.<p>

"Lisa!" He yelled with a raspy breath, "Lisa, please open up!"

"Go away!" She yelled from the other side of the door. Dean clenched his eyebrows.

"Don't make me pick the lock." Dean said bending his head down to stare at the floor. A few moments passed before he heard the click of the lock and the door swing open.

Dean stared down at Lisa who had makeup running down her face. Her eyes were red and tears were still pouring from her eyes.

"Lisa, please just let me explain." Dean said in a heavy breath. He took a small step into her dorm, and reluctantly Lisa yielded to allow him inside. Lisa looked at him with agony dripping down her face, "Lisa I-I I'm so sorry, I-"

Lisa cut him off, "Save your breath, Dean. I know what you did. I know you pretended to love me."

"Lisa," Dean said mournfully, he tried to reach a hand out to her.

"Dean I love you. But just because I love you, doesn't mean you can do this," Lisa started to cry even more, "Is this revenge? Revenge for cheating on you?"

"No, no it's not like that," Dean said stepping toward her. He could feel his body tense.

"Really, Dean?" Lisa said letting out a scornful laugh, "Than what is it like?"

"I-I don't know, I just-"

Lisa rolled her eyes and cut him off again, "If you have nothing to prove to me than just get the hell out."

"I need you in my life, Lisa. I just don't know if _that's_ the spot I want you to take," Dean said feeling himself grow uneasy, "I just don't know."

Lisa shook her head in aversion, "Then you have to make a decision," She said closing the distance between them in one swift stride. She spoke through her teeth, "I'm not going to sit and wait around for you. You need to choose, Dean. It's me or Cas." Lisa spitted at him as she pushed her hand against his chest.

He stumbled backwards out the door, his face filled with shock. The darkness formed in Lisa's face as she slowly shut the door.

"It's your _choice_, Dean." She whispered as she slammed the door.


	12. Chapter 12

It was the next morning, and Dean sat anxiously in the lecture hall.

He tapped his fingers on the lecture hall desk, peeking his eyes back to the door, waiting to meet the endless ocean that were Cas' eyes. Dean knew the moment he stared into them, that he had jumped in and began swimming, deeper and deeper, so deep that there was no way out.

His stomach had begun to twist as he sat in his chair, swiveling back and forth, picking at his nails, biting the inside of his cheek.

His heart sank when the Professor's voice rung in his ears.

"Okay, let's start class."

Dean turned back in his chair as an aching chill waved over him. He felt his mind wander and his eyes begin to sink.

Dean remembered Lisa's harsh words:_ It's your choice_.

_Was there even a choice?_

His thought broke as he heard his name being called.

"Dean?"

Dean cleared his throat and inhaled as he clenched his fists, "Hm?"

"Is Castiel feeling better?" Professor Crowley yelled up to him, his eyes like daggers, "I was notified of the...incident. Do you by any chance know-"

"No," Dean said sharply cutting him off, "No."

The Professor nodded and squinted his eyes, giving Dean an obscure look.

"Well," The Professor said slowly pursing his lips, "Let me know if you find out. I'll give you two extra time for the project."

_Shit._

Dean had completely forgot. He'd been so completely caught up in just finding a way to _see _Cas that he'd just let it slip his mind.

He had no clue where he was with Cas right now...and no Cas, means no project.

No project...means _no graduating_.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

Dean _needed_ this grade. He was failing at the end of the semester.

_He can't be mad at me...can he? _Dean pondered, picking at his nails,_ No...no he wouldn't be. I'll just stop by his dorm after class and finish the rest of it..._

_Yeah...that should be fine._

Dean nodded to himself and fervently waited for class to be dismissed.

* * *

><p>Dean felt his stomach begin to twist as he stepped into the hallway to Cas' dorm. He couldn't decipher whether he was scared or not.<p>

_No, he's not mad._

_He's not._

_Why would he be?_

Dean bit the inside of his cheek as he turned the corner at the end of the hallway.

_No, he's-_

His thought was cut when he collided with another body.

"Sorry," Dean began to mutter as he lifted his head to see who he just darted into, but then quickly silenced himself when he saw who it was.

"Can't say I'm surprised to see you, Dean."

"Gabe...look, I'm not here to fight." He said nervously, his heart beginning to race. He knew he was tougher, stronger, and smarter than Gabe, yet, he felt so weak.

"Oh, really? Then why are you here?" Gabe spurted out as he crossed his arms, taking a step closer to Dean.

Dean let out a heavy breath, "I just need to get, uh, our project."

"I'll get it." Gabe responded almost instantly.

Dean flinched and scrunched his face, "What? No, I'll get it. I'm perfectly capable of seeing Cas right now, if thats why you're concerned." Dean said pursing his lips and pushing Gabe aside.

Gabe let out a scornful laugh, "Who say's Cas is perfectly capable of seeing you?"

Dean stopped and felt his heart sink, "Why would Cas be mad at me?" He said, immediately regretting asking that, "He's-he's not mad,"

Gabe chuckled and tilted his head to the side, "Dean," He laughed malevolently, "Dean, Dean, Dean. Cas doesn't want you anymore."

Dean started to boil. He _knew _Gabe was just messing with him.

_Don't let him get into your head, Dean. _

"Bullshit. Stop fucking kidding around and let me through," Dean said trying to push Gabe's bad arm, but Gabe resisted and pushed back with incredible force.

"Dean," Gabe said gritting through his teeth, "Do you think Cas is stupid?"

Dean felt himself starting to grow angry, "What?"

"Cas knows, Dean." Gabe said smiling menacingly, "Cas knows you were only with him so you could get a good grade on that project."

"What?!" Dean screamed in his face, "Are you shitting me?"

"Don't act surprised, Dean."

Dean paused. He felt his throat begin to close.

Gabe was right.

It was the whole reason Dean had started to fool around with Cas.

The whole reason Dean forced himself to get drunk that one night, forced himself to kiss him, and then left straight after.

He _needed_ an A.

And at the time, he was willing to do anything to get it.

Even if it meant pretending to be gay.

He had no idea it was going to go this far.

He had no idea that he would ever end up having feelings for him.

No idea that he was going to fall in love with him.

Dean swallowed hard and gritted through his teeth, "It's not about the project anymore!" He yelled pushing Gabe aside. Gabe ran after him and grabbed the sleeve of his shirt, "Just let me see him!"

"Because, that's the whole reason you came here, right? To see Cas? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of intelligence, but ultimately, it was for one person, right?" Gabe scoffed at him, walking toward him and pushing back Dean against a wall, "Just admit it, Dean!"

"Admit what?!" Dean screamed, feeling the rage begin to overpower his body.

"That you _were_ using him!" Gabe screamed in his face.

"I wasn't fucking using him you fucking shit!"

"YES YOU WERE! DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME, DEAN! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR LITTLE PLANS!"

Dean smashed his teeth together so hard he thought they were going to crack. He completely lost it.

"FINE! I _WAS_ USING HIM! I USED HIM TO GET A FUCKING GOOD GRADE ON THIS DAMN PROJECT! HE MEANT NOTHING TO ME!" Dean screamed at the top of his lungs in Gabe's face. Gabe smiled.

Dean's face was boiling. He shut his eyes tightly, "But I don't give a flying fuck about that damn project now. I don't care if he burns it and throws it off a cliff. I love him, and he needs to know."

Dean turned away from Gabe and began walking down the hall. His breath was scratchy and he slowly began to cool down.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the howling of his own voice behind him.

_I WAS USING HIM! I USED HIM TO GET A FUCKING GOOD GRADE ON THIS DAMN PROJECT! HE MEANT NOTHING TO ME!_

Dean sharply turned around.

There, Gabe stood smiling proudly, tape recorder in his hand.

Dean instantly felt his lungs close. A sharp pain in his chest assailed him out of nowhere, causing him to tip over and smash against the wall. He slid down to the ground and gripped his head. Dean felt the anxiety surge through his body as gasped to find air.

"No...no, no, no, no!"

Gabe slowly strutted toward him, head tall with pride. He leisurely bent down to meet Deans level.

He leaned into Dean's ear, "Cas didn't know anything," Gabe said solemnly laughing, "But, now he will."

Gabe stood up and began walking to Cas' dorm. Dean forced his body upward, jolting himself to his feet.

"No! Cas!" Dean tried to yell, crashing his body into the wall again. He could hear his own pulse beating in his ears.

He stood there as a statue, like a monument frozen for eternity. The fear he felt was a being in itself because it wasn't just in him, it was all around him. Every muscle in his body was screaming at him to flee, but Dean remained frozen.

"Oh, he can't hear you," Gabe said opening Cas' door and looking around sarcastically, "He's not here." He whispered, backing up into the room and slamming the door behind him.

Dean stumbled forward and plowed into the door. He twisted the knob but it was locked. He slammed his fist against the wood.

"You motherfucker! Open this door, or I swear..."

"You'll what, Dean?" Gabe yelled from the other side, "You can't do _shit_. You're weak, Dean. You're _nothing_."

Dean slammed his fist against the door again and leaned his head on it.

_What have I done..._

He slammed his eyes and squeezed his nails into his palm. He felt the skin break beneath his fingernails. He tried to swallow but it felt like his lung was caught in his throat. It was then that he had realized he had no idea what to do.

He wanted to give up.

He wanted to give up... like Cas had wanted to give up.

It was like he was standing on a thin rope, one side was giving up, and the other was seeing how much more he could take.

He grinded his teeth, _No...I'm not giving up. Don't give up. Don't._

His ears were pierced with the scream of his own voice again.

_I WAS USING HIM! I USED HIM TO GET A FUCKING GOOD GRADE ON THIS DAMN PROJECT! HE MEANT NOTHING TO ME!_

Dean pounded his fist against the door again and a small laugh from Gabe shortly followed. Dean forced his legs to work, stumbling him backward and down the hall.

It's hard to wait for something, you know might never happen.

But it's even harder to give up, when you know it's everything you want.


	13. Chapter 13

Dean rushed hastily down the long sidewalk.

He didn't know where he was going, or where he would end up. He ran because his legs forced him to. He ran as far from Cas' dorm as possible. He thought that maybe the farther he ran the more likely he'd feel better.

He didn't.

Deans lungs started to close again and his breath became uneasy as he started to slow down. Dean stopped at a nearby tree and leaned his side against the sharpened bark. It dug into his skin and scratched him.

His eyes trailed to the dark sky above him. His mind raced, thinking of what he could've possibly done to deserve this.

"I was such a dick to him," Dean whispered to himself, feeling his body begin to heat up. He stared angrily at the dark, red clouds of the sunset.

"Is this pay-back?!" Dean screamed at the sky, "For being such a fucking ass to him?! Huh?!" He wailed.

Dean felt like a knife was plunged into his chest, each memory of his torment cutting deeper and deeper than the last.

When he had just about given up, Dean suddenly perked up, "I'll just call him," He whispered to himself, fishing in his pocket for his phone. His hand shook anxiously as he dialed.

The other line picked up almost instantly.

"Cas-" Dean began to say almost straightaway.

An abrupt laughter interrupted him, "He doesn't have his phone either, bud. Nice try." Gabe roared.

Dean became completely taken over by rage. He slammed his phone shut and smashed it onto the pavement.

He pounded his fist on the bark, "This isn't happening."

He ran his hand through his hair, gripping the strands beneath his fingers and pulling roughly.

He forced his legs to move again, unsteadily carrying him home. The whole way home he felt like he just needed to be sick. He hadn't eaten in hours, but he felt his stomach twist and turn with every step, letting the dizziness invade his head.

It wasn't even mental pain anymore to him. It was pure, agonizing, demolishing, searing somatic pain that physically hurt his body.

Freely letting his body flop on the bed never felt better.

Dean gripped the sheets underneath him and whispered to himself, "I lost," He breathed.

He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry until all of the water left his body, until he couldn't feel anything anymore. But his body wouldn't let him. It was like a roadblock was superglued to the middle of his chest, making him incapable of crying.

_That's it,_ Dean thought, squeezing his eyes tightly and pressing his face into the pillow, _I lost._

_I lost._

_I lost him._

He rolled over and stared shamefaced at the ceiling. It was like everything had just hit him at once. Like a nuclear bomb had just exploded in his mind.

Fighting with Lisa.

Running into Cas in the classroom.

Shoving him down hard against the metal chair.

Screaming at him to get out.

Yanking his thumb back the next day.

Demanding him to do the project.

Cas mindlessly placing his hand on Deans shoulder, telling him he was sorry.

Forcing himself to get drunk in order for him to make a move on Cas.

Leaving so suddenly and never coming back.

Waking up the next morning and wishing that he was with Cas.

Denying the feelings he was beginning to form.

Defending him from Kevin.

Unable to help his feelings from growing.

Hearing Cas talking about him to Gabe.

Causing him to feel miserable.

Suddenly finding himself thinking about the endless ocean that lay within his eyes.

Feeling his body ache to press Cas against him.

Discovering feelings he never thought he would have.

Using Lisa against Cas.

Seeing the look on his face as he wrapped his arms around her.

Hearing about his attempted suicide.

Running to him in the hospital.

Breaking Gabe's arm.

Showing up at his door.

Finally being able to crush his lips against Cas again.

Feelings his bare skin against his own.

Gabe bursting through the door.

Running out after Lisa.

Lisa giving him a choice.

Thinking for hours.

Never being able to fall asleep.

Him realizing there was never a choice to begin with.

Running to Cas.

Bumping into Gabe.

Hearing himself yell :

_HE MEANT NOTHING TO ME!_

This.

This feeling.

Using him was a choice...

But falling in love with him...

He had no control over.

Dean forced himself out of bed and to his bathroom.

He leaned over the sink and gripped the sides. He stared at himself. He stared directly into the deep cave that filled his eyes.

Dean didn't see himself. He saw a _monster._

_"_I used him," Dean whispered, unable to say anything more, only shaking his head slightly at the _thing_ staring back at him. A painful weight dropped onto his chest and his held his breath, because breathing was something he didn't deserve.

He opened his mirror cabinet, and pushed aside condiments before he found the orange bottle. He stared deplorably at the blue pills buried at the bottom. He clutched the bottle tightly in his hands.

He stared at his own reflection again, disappointed at the worthless trash staring back at him.

He shut his eyes so tight his face hurt, and all he saw was darkness for what seemed like forever... until he felt a hand tightly grip his shoulder.

_Deans vision was blurry and unstable. The air was hard to breathe, like trying to gasp for air underwater._

_"Dean," A deep voice bellowed above him._

_Dean choked, his eyes trembling as he fought. He made out the cloudy figures of his bathroom. He dragged his back against the wall and sat against the wall on the cold floor. _

_His eyes struggled to adjust. The air became thicker and thicker as he choked to breathe. He saw the blurred figure above him, clutching onto his right shoulder. The warm and familiar hand squeezed him. Dean tried to speak but only groaned._

_"Dean!" The voice roared again. Dean felt the grip harden on his shoulder, causing him to groan in pain. _

_Dean managed to use all of his willpower to mutter, "W-what...where.." He whispered harshly. He could barely force a groan out of him, let alone words._

_The grip on his shoulder tightened even worse, and Dean cried out in pain._

_"You can't give up. Please don't," The voice said. Dean tried to force his eyes to adjust but the more he struggled the more his sight became obscure. Dean felt a sudden hand cup the side of his face, "Don't give up on **me**, Dean."_

_Dean swallowed hard as the grip was released from his shoulder and the dark haired figure seemed to vanish before him. He stumbled slowly to his feet, gripping his shoulder in pain. He caught a glimpse of the red marked handprint on his shoulder in the mirror._

_Dean reached his hand out, shaking roughly, "...Cas?" He groaned, "CAS?!"_

_He shut his eyes tightly and he sharply inhaled._

_His spiritless body suddenly jolted to life._

Dean awoke with a massive gasp for air. He was surrounded with people hovering over him. He felt like his heart had just jumped straight out of his chest.

"Stand back!" A woman yelled.

Dean wheezed loudly as his foggy eyes started to clear. He rapidly took in shallow breaths as his airways started to slowly become clear. His heart was beating so fast he felt like his whole body was pounding.

He tried to move his hands but he felt like there was nothing there. His limbs were numb. His stomach whirled around, spinning in circles. His head pounded and his dizzy and blurry vision only made his stomach feel worse. He couldn't control his body, no matter how hard he tried.

Dean leaned over the side of the bed and hurled, grabbing his queazy stomach with one hand and gripping the side of the bed with the other. Dean suddenly felt the nauseous and dizzy feeling leave his body. He stayed leaving over, breathing calmly until his visionless eyes adapted.

"Dean?" The woman said again.

Dean spoke with an unsteady breath, "Where am I?!"

"You're at the hospital, Dean."

Dean's eyes trailed across the room, over to a paramedic with ready defibrillators.

"W-what?" His voice cracked slightly.

The woman turned to the paramedic and gave a small nod. The paramedic returned the gesture and began packing up his things. He walked over to the side of the ebd and began cleaning Deans mess.

"Sorry," Dean said looking down at him. He gave Dean a slight nod.

The nurse waited until the paramedic left and then soundlessly spoke to Dean.

"Dean...do you have any idea what happened?"

Dean shook his head.

But he knew _exactly_ what happened.

He gave up.

The nurse nodded in sorrow. She leaned in and patted him on the shoulder when there was a sudden knock on the doorframe. Dean tried to peer at the door but the nurse was blocking his view. The nurse turned hesitantly.

"Oh, it's you," She quickly backed away from Dean. Dean perked up and his heart began to race.

_Cas?_ He thought, suddenly feeling his shoulder begin to sting slightly. He grabbed his shoulder and rubbed it gently.

"This _girl_," She said as she hurriedly ran out the door, turning around one last time to give him a obliged glare, "This girl saved your life."

Dean felt chills run up his spine when he saw the dark haired girl walk toward his bed, "Lisa?" He said sitting up.

She smiled lightly, "How are you feeling?" She said sitting down at the end of the bed. She crossed her arms concerningly. Dean could feel the room become uneasy.

Dean clenched his fists, "Um...uh- I'm, uh, I'm Fine," He mumbled, unable to look her directly in the eye, "What time is it?" He said trying to get his mind off of the subject.

"Its around four thirty."

"Oh that's not too bad." Dean spoked under his breath.

A moment of silence passed before she spoke up again.

"Dean...why? Why would you think of doing such a thing?" Lisa said, her lip trembling, "You're lucky I came in when I did, you-you could have..." Her voice faded and trailed off until she silenced herself.

Dean bit the inside of his cheek. He felt a spark of anger start inside him , but forced himself to hide it, "I don't know." He muttered under his breath.

Lisa moved closer to him and placed her hand on top of his. Her hands were warm against his icy fingers, "Was it...Cas?"

Dean felt his stomach twist even with the slightest mention of his name. Hearing it was just a constant reminder. A reminder of how he wanted to give up. A reminder of what he had lost.

And there is was again, that heavy feeling in his chest. The feeling when you have no desire to speak or move. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken was too exhausting.

He shrugged, leaning back down in the bed and turning away from Lisa. He slipped his fingers out from under her hand. He heard Lisa exhale deeply as he turned away.

"Well," She said softly. Dean felt her body stand up from the bed and her feet scuff toward the door, "You get some sleep, okay?"

Dean remained silent. He wanted nothing more than for Cas to storm through that door at any moment, pick him up and just hold him, never letting go.

Moments passed before he heard the silent clicking of her shoes beginning to walk away.

"Dean," she spoke again before leaving, "We all break. We all break into small, tiny little pieces, Dean. And yes, it takes a long time to put the pieces back together. And some pieces may be sharp, or edgy or uneven, but eventually, over time, they get put back together," Lisa said deeply, her voice suddenly retaining to a small whisper, "The lines where the pieces were put back together will show. And they will always be there. But they do get put back somehow. You just need to find the right kind-of glue."


	14. Chapter 14

It was the middle of the day when Dean felt his body jolt to life. He felt chills run up his body as he eagerly collected himself and searched for the clock, _5:12 pm._

He sat up in the hospital bed, "I need to find him." He whispered.

Hurriedly, he rushed over to the chair in the corner, snatching his jacket before heading for the door. His head peered around the rim of the doorframe and into the hall. The hallway was for the most-part clear, except for a few civilians straying outside family's rooms. He looked both ways down the hall before attempting to make his escape.

He held his jacket in his right hand, wrapping it around his wrist in attempt to cover the hospital bracelet. He casually turned the corner down the second hallway. He took a sigh of relief as he scanned the hallway and found it to be clear. He saw a directory sign as he neared the end of the hallway and stopped to read it:

**_'Exit: Next right down the hall.'_**

He felt a wave of happiness and reassurance as he turned down the last hallway. His smile suddenly jolted into a thin line as he saw both Lisa and his nurse come out of a door in the middle of the hallway.

Dean froze.

The nurse looked down at her clipboard and had her back facing Dean. Lisa's eyes shot up and locked hard on Dean.

Dean stood completely frozen, unable to move his body. He fastened his eyes on Lisa's. His mouth parted as he tried to take in air.

The nurse began to turn around and Dean became even more trepidatious. His legs screamed at him to run, but it felt like his shoes were glues to the ground.

When he gave up in thought that he was going to get caught, Lisa's hand grabbed the nurses shoulder and whipped her around before she had a chance to see Dean.

The nurse shot her a puzzling look, "What's the matter, Dear?"

Lisa hesitated for a second before momentarily glaring at Dean and then motioning her eyes down the end of the hall. Dean swallowed hard before understanding Lisa's intentions. A part of him was almost in complete awe.

"So, um," Lisa stuttered massively and the nurse became suspicious, "So, what's your opinion on Dean's situation?" She blurted out.

Dean crept slowly behind the nurse, tip-toeing down the hall. He clenched his fists and jaw tightly. He became more nervous with each step. He felt like he was stepping on a potato chip every time his foot touched the ground.

The nurse chuckled, "Personally, I believe he may need to talk to a counselor, or take some programs. He seems very emotionally unstable."

Dean stopped moving and gave the nurse a heated glare. Lisa saw Deans reaction and couldn't help but smile.

Lisa began answering the nurse as Dean started to creep down the hallway again. He became more agitated as he got closer and closer to the nurse.

The nurse started to turn around again when Lisa grabbed her shoulder, "So-so, uh, when do you think Dean will be all set to leave?"

At this point Dean was directly behind the nurse. Dean saw Lisa start to grow utterly uneasy.

If he gets caught, so does she.

He had no idea how much trouble he'd be in.

_This is for Cas,_ he pondered as he swiftly kept moving.

He was 10 feet from the door when the fear and anxiety began to leave his body.

Lisa started walking and talking in the other direction, cautiously leading the nurse away from Dean. She slowly walked backward so she could make sure he got out.

_Finally,_ Dean thought as he was almost to the door, _I did-_

His thought was interrupted by the sound of a large bang and the sudden feeling of pain in his toe. His head shot down to see the rolling gurney slowly moving forward. His head whipped around to the nurse and Lisa.

He shut his eyes. It was over.

The nurse gasped and Dean heard the sound of her clipboard drop to the ground, "Oh my god!" She yelled.

Dean opened his eyes.

He stared in complete disbelief.

Lisa lay on the ground, body stretched out and eyes tightly shut. The nurse, back still facing Dean, leaned over Lisa.

Dean stopped at first, in fear that something had really happened to her. But then she slowly opened one eye and exchanged a small grin. The nurse was too busy staring down the hall and calling for help to even notice.

The nurse stepped over Lisa and ran down the hall as she called for medics. Dean took this as his opportunity to run to the door. Dean looked down at Lisa as he pushed it open and felt a gust of wind across his face.

"Thank you," Dean whispered as a delighted smile spread across his face.

Lisa smiled back, "Go!" She said chuckling, "Go find him and tell him, Dean. Before I do it myself."

They smiled at each other for a moment before they heard the sound of people rushing down the hall next to them.

Lisa mouthed, _'GO!'_ To him again and Dean briskly stepped out the door and shut it behind him.

Dean leaned back against the door and took a deep breath, "Story of my life," He whispered as he exhaled, "Alright, now time for the _real_ adventure," He said pushing off the door and running back to campus.

* * *

><p>It took Dean no more than 20 minutes to get back to campus. His breath was uneven and he was more than fearful of what was about to happen.<p>

The hallway to Cas' room seemed to stretch for miles. With every step, he felt his body grow weaker and weaker.

When he finally reached Cas' dorm, he took no hesitation to grab the knob and push the door open with whatever strength he had left in his body.

"Cas?!" Dean screamed. He scanned the room quickly.

His eyes sunk when there was no sign of Cas.

He ran a hand over his head as he walked over to Cas' bed, shutting the door behind him.

Dean threw his jacket on the floor and flopped his body on the bed.

Deans stomach tied into a knot. He wanted to give up. He wanted to give up so bad. More than he ever has in his whole life.

But the thought of never being able to see Cas again, that's what kept him going.

Just the simple mindless thought of being able to feel Cas under his hands again was enough to get him out of bed in the morning.

Dean gazed out the window and at the orange sunset that begun to appear over the sky. He took a raspy breath, "I'll just wait until he comes back," Dean said, his voice hoarse.

He shut his eyes for a few moments until slowly opening them and staring at Cas' desk across from the bed. His eyes trailed to Cas' computer screen, which glared brightly at Dean.

He squinted in blindness from the glare in the dim-lit room. He got out of bed and walked over to the desk to turn the brightness down.

As Dean fiddled with the keys, a tab opened up to Cas' email. Dean couldn't stop himself from reading.

**Hi Castiel,**

** How are you feeling? I know you were having a rough time and I wanted to check in. I do however need your project. I emailed Dean and he hasn't gotten back to me. If you could drop it off sometime within the next week that would be great! If I'm not in my room just feel free to leave the papers on the desk.**

** Thanks and let me know how you are!**

** Crowley.**

Dean paused for a minute.

_Shit...I totally forgot..._

He kept reading down the email chain.

**Hi Professor,**

** I'm doing great, thanks. Would I be able to stop by today at around 6:30?**

** Thanks for checking in,**

** Castiel**

Dean felt the knot in his stomach tighten.

_6:30?_

Dean fondled with his phone in his pocket until it came out. He checked the time.

_6:15._

He gazed back at the email chain once more.

I**t's good to know you're doing good, Castiel! And yes that is fine. I won't be in but if you just leave it on my desk that would be perfect! Thanks!**

**-Professor**

Dean immediately shot up out of his chair and grabbed his jacket as he bolted out the door.

He ran as fast as he could to Professor Crowley's room. He was excited and completely and utterly terrified all at the same time.

This was _it_.

This _has_ to be it.

There was nothing Dean wanted more than to just see him. He didn't even have to speak.

He didn't even have to say a word.

He just wanted to see him.

Dean slowed down and placed his hand on the hard metal door to the lecture hall. He stared at the dull navy door and swallowed hard.

_This is it._

_Just tell him._

_Just tell him everything._

Dean placed his head up against his arm. His arm lay between his head and the door.

In all truth, he had no idea what to say.

He had nothing planned.

He had no idea if he was going to walk in there and then fall completely speechless, or walk in there and blabble on about his mistakes.

He had no fucking idea of what was about to happen in that room.

Before he knew it, his hand gripped the door knob and he pushed it open.

"Cas?!" He yelled, scanning the room. He suddenly felt like gravity was against him.

No one answered.

"Cas!?" Dean yelled again, his voice slightly cracking.

"Dean?"


	15. Chapter 15

Dean felt his heart skip a beat.

His eyes rapidly trailed across the room, "Cas?" Dean whispered, clenching his fists tightly.

He didn't see Cas anywhere.

_Great, now I'm hearing things._

The feeling of anger had begun to spark in his chest. The piercing look in his eyes could've caused serious destruction.

_I have tried way too hard..._

_Way to fucking hard to get nothing_, Dean thought as he ran his hand over his hot forehead and through his hair.

He placed both his hands on his head and stared at the ceiling. He allowed himself to exhale.

He tried to breathe. To calm himself down. He tried recalling memories; good ones, that would make his body relax. But the only memories that came to his mind were of Cas. Cas' benevolent smile, the way Cas allowed Dean to control him, or be controlled himself, the way he could sometimes fall clueless to Dean, even when he was the smartest guy in the room, or the way Cas' eyes made Dean feel like he was being engulfed in a cool, deep, never-ending ocean of warmth.

The memories just made it worse.

Dean dropped his hands from his head and he pounded his foot into the side of the desk, indenting it with the force.

"FUCK!" Dean screamed leaning over the desk and hammered his fist into the desk, "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He breathed wrapping his head into his arms as he leaned down onto the desk. He suddenly felt like bricks were being plunged into his back, suffocating him. A tart, bitter taste begun to form in his mouth, and every inch of his body ached with enmity.

"Dean?"

Dean's head shot up faster than kids running to get presents on christmas morning. He stood at the top stair and looked down to the bottom, where he saw a head pop out from behind the ledge of the desk.

Dean stared down at Cas, his face softening as he released a small smile, "Cas..." He whispered as he began to stroll down the stairs, "I need to talk to you,"

Cas backed away until his back hit Professor Crowleys desk, "Don't come any closer to me you-you- lying asshole!" Cas whined, his face twisting into pure desolation. He held his breath, suddenly feeling like he was trying to breathe underwater, "Leave me the fuck alone!"

Dean stopped in his tracks, suddenly feeling the sharp blade of Cas' words plunge into his chest, "Cas, listen to me please," Dean said slowly resuming his pace down the stairs, "I-I'm so sorry...I'm so so sorry, you were never meant to hear any of it...Cas, you cannot possibly imagine how much I hate myself."

"Yeah well I did, Dean," Cas said staring directly into Dean's pleading eyes. He felt himself start to choke of his own breath, "I heard everything! How you used me! To get a good fucking grade on this stupid fucking project! This fucking project that I'm still fucking turning in for you because I-I..." Cas's voice faded.

He couldn't bring himself to say it.

Not now.

Not _ever _again.

Dean begun to feel something in his chest that he had never experienced before. His chest ached with pure regret, as if a hole was torn out from his body, "Cas, please listen to me-"

"NO!" Cas screamed at him, leaning his head down and cupping his shaken hands around his face. His legs gave way and he slid his back against Crowley's desk so he was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands.

Dean felt the hole getting bigger in his chest by the millisecond, "Cas, please! Please...please just listen to me for a second," Dean muttered out in a breathy, low tone. He began to lazily stroll down the stairs again. The hole in his chest hurt badly, almost enough to make his legs cave beneath him.

Cas lifted his face from his shaky hands, revealing red and wet cheeks. Dean could vaguely see the water pour down from Cas eyes, "Just admit it, Dean! You were using me this whole time! You just felt bad that you got caught!" He screamed at him.

Cas couldn't control the water streaming down his face. It was like a dam had broken inside him and all the water began to pour out.

Dean clenched his eyebrows. Seeing Cas cry was something he couldn't take right now. He grimaced at himself for admitting this, "Y-Yes. Yes, alright? I _was _using you. I _was..._"

Cas looked up at him, his bottom lip quivering. He didn't want Dean to admit it. He didn't know why he kept blurting it out at Dean, screaming at him to come clean for what he did. Cas wanted to know the truth, but he never expected the truth to be painful.

Dean had reached the bottom step, only a mere 10 feet from where Cas sat. Dean swallowed hard. Cas' head was buried deeply into his knees. Dean could hear the soft sobs Cas was trying to bite back, but Cas couldn't help but let them spill anyway.

"Cas, I didn't want to fall in love, not at all," Dean said carefully stepping closer to him, bending his knees slightly. His voice was firm but soft, "But at one point you smiled, and holy shit, I blew it."

Cas' head slowly raised, he held back tears for a moment. Dean opened his mouth again, taking in a sudden gasp of air. He swallowed, his mind racing trying to find words to say. Cas stared at him, wanting, waiting for Dean to speak, to tell him _exactly_ what he wanted to hear.

But Dean said nothing. Not because he didn't want to, but because he was so terribly and utterly afraid of saying the wrong things.

Dean shook his head, "I always thought about the things I was going to say to you. Like, I actually planned it out in my head," Dean said trying to force a smile out of his frowning face, "But then when I see you, nothing comes out. And I wonder if you're ever going to know half the things I think."

Cas could barely breathe let alone speak. His mind was completely blank.

Dean bent down in front of Cas, placing his knees gently on the ground in front of Cas' legs. Cas quickly buried his face in his hands and knees again.

Dean stared at him, thinking of the right words to say. He had so many. A thousand. A million. But somehow, not a single one would come out.

"I can't describe to you how much I _did _regret using you..." Dean's voice faded,"But now... I don't regret it at all." Dean said rolling his lips into a thin line.

Cas' head shot up, "What?"

"I don't regret using you, Cas." Dean said staring directly into Cas' worn out eyes. Cas felt his heart stop, "I don't regret it because if I had never done it, I would've never been able to feel the way I feel about you now." Dean whispered to him.

Cas bit his tongue. Dean's words on the tape recorder played over in his head.

_I WAS USING HIM! I USED HIM TO GET A FUCKING GOOD GRADE ON THIS DAMN PROJECT! HE MEANT NOTHING TO ME!_

Cas inhaled sharply, "How-how do I know you're telling the truth?" Cas said muffled in his knees. He couldn't look at Dean. One look and he knew that he would just completely break. Cas was scared. Scared of being more hurt than he already was. He knew that once he's been hurt, he'd be more than terrified to get attached again. As if he had this fear that every person he loved, was going to break his heart.

"Look at me, Cas," Dean said brushing his warm hands against Cas' shaky arms, cupping his face and gazing at the watery blue ocean in Cas' eyes.

And there it was. Dean's eyes. Those two gorgeous little motherfuckers that had made him stop breathing, but at the same time, gave him a reason to keep breathing. Cas tried to make himself angry, so he wouldn't fall for him again, so he wouldn't let himself be taken over by some guy who used him. But, he couldn't find any anger left in his body._  
><em>

Cas still couldn't help the tears that seemed to never run out. He had no idea what to think.

"Can't you see that I love you, Castiel? For once in my life, I don't have to try to be happy. When I'm with you, it just happens," Dean said getting closer to Cas. The feeling in his chest and body was unlike any feeling he'd ever had.

Cas squinted, forcing small tears to fall down his cheek, then, his eyes widened in surprise.

It was then that Dean realized something he'd never thought possible. Dean touched his own cheek, then removed his hand only to feel the wetness that coated his fingers.

Dean swallowed hard and returned his gaze to Cas.

"See, now look what you've done to me," Dean said raising his eyebrows in a small chuckle. Cas shut his eyes and bit his lip in attempt to hide his grin.

"Don't bite your lip," Dean said rubbing his thumb against Cas' cheek, wiping away the tears that slowly ran down his face, "That's my job."

Cas couldn't help but lean his head down and smile. Dean pinched his chin and tilted his head forward, "I won't do you wrong. I won't want to stop talking to you. I won't want to leave you for anyone else. I won't do anything to hurt you. I _chose_ you, Castiel, and that means I only want you, and no one else."

Dean cupped Cas' face tighter and leaned his forehead into Cas', "I fucking love you, Cas," Dean said before he gently pressed his lips against Cas'.

It was then that Dean began to feel the hole in his chest being filled. Cas' warm hands grabbed Dean's shoulders tightly, pulling him in as close as he could possibly get.

Cas smiled in between tender kisses, tears plummeting down his cheeks even harder than before, more happier than he'd ever thought possible. Cas couldn't bear to let Dean go. Deans hand brushed the sides of Cas' face, entwining his fingers in the dark brown hair.

Cas was Dean's drug. He was more than addicted. No matter how close he pressed himself into Cas, it just was never enough. It was never going to be enough.

Dean tangled his fingers in Cas' hand and stared at him longingly, "Anyone tell you that you have really gorgeous eyes?"

Cas shut his eyes and scrunched his nose, "Eh, I know a guy." Cas said laughing and nuzzling his head into the crease of Dean's neck.

Dean smiled down at him, "Is this guy by chance like 6 feet tall, green eyes, and really fucking sexy?"

Cas shut his eyes and breathed into Dean's neck, "Don't push it."

Dean laughed as he rubbed his hands across Cas' back. He couldn't keep his hands off him let only his eyes. They magnetized toward him. Every inch of him, Dean couldn't keep his eyes off.

Dean hugged Cas so tight it almost hurt. Dean ran his lips across Cas' forehead, unable to express the feeling of having Cas' skin touch his lips again.

Dean suddenly heard soft sobs again. He pulled away from Cas to see that Cas had begun to softly cry again.

"Cas? Please don't cry anymore, please. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere." Dean said rubbing Cas' cheeks again, wiping away the tears from his face.

"I know you're going to leave, Dean." Cas said clutching onto Dean's shirt. Cas thought it was too good to be true. He grabbed the cloth of Dean's shirt beneath his hands and pulled it as close to him as he could possibly get, savoring each moment with him; Dean's smell, the warm, soft skin brushing up against his, the prickly skin around Dean's jaw that rubbed against his forehead.

Dean cupped Cas' face again and pulled him into a soft kiss. He held Cas there for a few moments, indulging himself to feel his lips against his own. He rubbed the thin stubble that coated the side of Cas' face, smiling to himself at the soft little pricks against his fingers.

Dean pulled away, but remained only centimeters away from Cas' lips.

"I promise that I will love you until the day after forever," Dean whispered against Cas' lips before pulling him in for another seemingly endless kiss.

And he kept that promise.

**The End.**

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><p><em><strong>Epilogue<br>**_

Gabriel stared blankly at the lecture hall door as he hid himself behind a tree. He watched Castiel and Dean walk out, hand in hand. Slobbering and swallowing eachother's faces and unable to keep their hands off the other's body.

The anger that was inside him was too strong for him to even make a move. His body was so hot, he felt like one move would cause a super-nova.

Cas was _his. _

He had been there for Cas from the beginning.

He was not going to let some egotistical fucking asshole with a cocky disposition take away the guy that he _loved. _

He just wasn't.

And he _is _and _will _do whatever it takes to get him.

* * *

><p><strong>Go to next chapter for an important message...<strong>


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